Saturday, July 31, 2010

looking for direction

For right now I enjoy being ever moving.
The feeling of knowing that I can pick up and leave and start somewhere new at any given moment relaxes me.
I can make a home out of anywhere I go.
I am adaptable.
I'm worried that I love this so much, I will not be able to settle.
I also worry that the career path I am headed towards will be too much change and not enough of the fragment of stability that I crave.

It is either black or white, can't I have grey?

It's scary to think that maybe all that I have wanted career wise, may not be the right thing for me.
I'm going in the direction that the wind is blowing me.

Monday, July 26, 2010

we grow

Coming back into the 'real world' after a month of camping has been difficult. I feel myself pulled to be things I don't want to be or places I don't care to go. I get sucked back into being a consumer, in the never ending cycle of spending money on worthless things. Living life out of two backpacks and a camera case was easy.
I only had a couple selections of clothing, I only brought what I needed. And coming back has been overwhelming. How do you drift soundly back into the thought that more is better? It's not and somehow we've come to live that way.
It bores me to be indoors, I miss the feeling of chasing sunlight and going to sleep knowing that the stars were just above my head, no ceiling separating me from them. I miss dealing with the weather as it came, because there was no other option. I miss feeling this fulfilled by only living simply.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


I think collar bones are one of the most beautiful and photogenic things about people.

I'm so happy with where my life is, with what I'm doing, with where I'm going.

I don't feel 19.

flour fight while cookie making.
*Click images to enlarge.
I finally feel like my life is organized.

With a camera, I have started to notice the small things. I appreciate that about myself.

I get self conscious about all these self portraits. I want to start taking pictures of other people again.

I believe so strongly in doing what is best for yourself. I think sometimes I go overboard.

I miss painting.

It's harder to teach people to be artistic than to be technical.

I am trying to eliminate the word 'hate' out of my vocabulary. If I hear you say it I will probably ask you not to use it. It's ugly.

A lot of the clothes in my closet I buy because I know they will look good in photographs. I don't wear them outside of to take pictures in.

If someone buys me a banjo or a pair of roller blades, I would be eternally grateful to you.

I should take my own advice more.

I feel like lately my writing has become dry and not very significant.

I am so happy that I am home.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

cold is the water.

I wish I could collect these things like light shining through the curtains in the room. I want to keep its warmth and its golden-ness around when the cold won't leave the depths of my bones.

I want to take away little moments from my life to put in these mason jars. Things I miss, like the feeling in your stomach when you've been laughing too hard to catch your breath. Things like how small you feel when you're staring at a mountain, things like the utter hopelessness of loving someone.

I have been making various goals for myself for this upcoming year. First of all, I set aside money for a plane ticket. This ticket will take me wherever I need to escape to. Having this available makes me feel better about staying somewhere for another year.

I'm going to make a better effort to keep myself happy and healthy. I'm starting to do yoga everyday, and my roommate and I have an extra room that we turned into a yoga room. One entire wall is covered in mirrors. Pictures to come.

Something I've been thinking a lot about lately is fear. Fear is so powerful and it can take so much control. The fear of letting the hinges of my soul get rusty by staying somewhere for too long, the fear of being just comfortable but not happy, the fear of the feeling of being frightened. All of these things are somewhere inside me but I am working hard to not let them control me. I'm happy with the outcome.

I'm not settling.

Friday, July 16, 2010

how to be.

What's on your mind?
What has been tugging at your heart?

This video was made by a good friend of mine. Some of my photographs are in it, and its all about my family. Everytime I watch the video it grabs a different piece of me. And then I remember all over again why I am so proud of the people I surround myself with. Completely and utterly proud.

Isn't it funny how much a year of our lives goes by and we are so different and changed over the course of that time? A year ago I made the decision to get a dog, a choice that made my life full of happiness and laughter, patience and energy. A year ago I was thinking about where my life would take me, who I would meet and what events would take place.

I am a million miles.

Monday, July 12, 2010

back and packing

I'm back to the real world after a month and a half of being separated from everything you can't use in the back country.

I'm exhausted.
I learned more about myself in 3.5 weeks than I have in an incredibly long time.
I'm moving to Bozeman after college. I love it here.
I have taken some of my most favorite photographs ever.
I lived in a tent for a month, I'm psyched to have a bed in a couple days.
This technology and society is overwhelming, so I'm leaving again to go play in the mountains.
I learned how to be myself, let go of silly things and become a more independent person.
I have never felt more like a leader.
I feel like I worked for the money I earned more than any other job I've ever had.
I've listened to more Lady Gaga and Ke$ha than I have ever wanted to. ever.

Being separated from technology, I realized that I concentrate too much on little things. I enjoyed traveling around and not having roots, living in a tent and loving everywhere we went. I learned that maybe I am not prepared for the career I had in mind.

I feel like my world shifted and suddenly I'm miles from where I came into this at. I feel 10 times more independent and happy with my life, even if I don't know where it's going.

For the next week, I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I'm doing, I'm miles away from home and I'm tired of being immersed in this culture again.

I'm off to love every wildflower,