Thoughts about rocks and other valuable things

wild things

2012-03-15T21:08:00.003-07:00

I've been wild lately. Reading novels that challenge my ideas about the world, new plans for the future.

I've been spending lots of time in open spaces-so open that it forces you to put things back into perspective. That you are small, the world is big, but it's worth exploring every inch. That there is so much more out in the world than what is immediately surrounding you. It's good for the mind like that- open spaces- or at least for me. Because when I stand in a field and the wind blows through my bones, I know that I can be anywhere in the world and I'll still see the same sun, the same moon, just different ground beneath my feet.

We rented a forest service cabin at 10,100 ft. I love it. My lungs and body were tired, but happy. My pup was wonderful and played hard. She's passed out at my side right now and has been all afternoon. We drank too much wine and laughed late into the night and lit a fire in the wood stove. We saw shooting stars and fat winter birds and sank deep into alpine snow and ate huge meals full of good food that was all different colors.

And it's times like these where I realize my bones weren't so restless, they just needed to see the sky without a city beneath it and breathe in some deep, cold air.

alive!

2012-03-09T20:27:00.002-08:00

I'm finally feeling alive again.

This past Monday night, my chest started feeling tight and my lungs hurt when I was breathing in. By Tuesday night, because it had gotten worse and I had developed a deep cough, I drove myself to the ER. I spent the next 7 hours getting chest x rays, blood tests and cat scans to check out some scary potential blood clots that had showed up on the x-ray. Luckily, I left with only a diagnosis of a strong case of pneumonia and some antibiotics. Fast forward 3 solid days spent in discomfort and fever and I'm finally feeling like moving around and getting outside a little. The weather has been so nice here, and it's been painstaking to sleep through it, but I've had no energy or ability to go outside or hardly move. But springtime is coming and despite my desire to go ski on my new (to me) skis, I've really appreciated the sunlight.

I'm getting ready to travel far and long distances. I'll be traveling a lot this summer. More specifically, I'll be in over 10 cities in 2 months. I'm bringing my pup along for most of the ride, because of course, she is my traveling companion. It's an odd thing, the things we give up to be able to go travel. Like buying cheap, terrible coffee and eating rice and potatoes to save money to go somewhere new and different. It'll be an adventure, most definitely, and I'm thrilled to see where it takes me.

I've begun the process of giving up my possessions, and preparing to move. It's freeing and nervewracking and terrifying and lovely, all at once.

Growing up Skinner

2012-02-23T10:10:00.002-08:00

I've been wanting to write this post for some time now, but it was a nice push for me to write it after I read my friend Max's post.
I grew up with tents and skis and sleeping bags occupying our guest room. People came and left our house, and we called them not by their real names but by their nicknames, like Vedauwoo John and Wild Bill. My family and these friends shaped my world into a transient, adventure-seeking, whirlwind of stories of far-off places. For a long time, I thought this is how everyone had grown up--camping in tepees in backcountry Wyoming, or waiting for a friend or family member to come home from a long climbing trip abroad.

I never really understood how different my family was until my Uncle, Todd Skinner, passed away in October of 2006. Years and years, still, after his accident, I meet people who knew and looked up to him. The world has shrunk a little for me since then. There was so much panic around me to carry on my Uncle's legacy, somehow, I felt like I needed to pick up a part of that.

And now I sit here with my deep cup of coffee, almost 5 and a half years later, assured that climbing is not my future. It will always be a rooted part of who I am, but not completely. It's taken me up to this point in my life to settle with the fact that I won't be the climber and storyteller my Uncle had been, or the mountaineer that my father once was, or the skiers that my grandparents were. And I was never supposed to be, because that was what they were passionate about and filled them up- that was theirs. I have come a long way to realize that visual storytelling is what I'm passionate about.

Some people argue that because who my family was to the industry, it has been easier for me to make my way. But I could disagree. It is, indeed, easier for me to meet people because of who I am related to. It is also a huge honor to be a part of a line of such wonderful and talented people, but there are also challenges that come with that title. A big part of that is the struggle between choosing adventures over relationships. You can read my thoughts on that here.

I feel lucky to have grown up in this arena of athletes and adventurous souls. I truly believe that this is the lifestyle that I will live forever, and will encourage generations after me to do the same. I feel more comfortable living a non-conventional lifestyle than many will ever be. My relationships with friends and family will always be different than most, as I don't like to stay long in one location, and hope to make homes in many places. And I feel lucky to be surrounded with people who believe the same. My Uncle Todd's children have grown up to be the most incredible adventurers. They are more comfortable in the wilderness that any young person I've seen, and the knowledge that they exude is so unique to their ages.

Brad Werntz Photograph, Skinner Brothers Camp, Wyoming.

It's so nice to meet people who know and knew my family, and tell me stories, but I respect people who get to know me for my interests and passions before asking me if I follow my family's. Because, they are a large part of me, but they are not who I am. We always have a part of our family in us, whether they are more a part of who we are then we would sometimes like to admit. But, I wouldn't have traded this for the world. My lineage has allowed me to see incredible places both in person and in photographs, hear stories of great adventures, and has also shaped my attitudes toward death and respect of the mountains. I'm happy to be a Skinner, to be a member of this industry full of dedicated and talented friends, and I can assure you that if I ever have children, I would love for them to grow up in such a wild and unique way as I did.

The first time I watched a Cory Richard's film, he shared a quote that his father had told him, "Go gently." This struck a cord in me, and I think about it often. I want to live my life being wild but not reckless, honest but not brutal, sure-footed, but not over-confident. I'm learning.

Mountains and bars

2012-02-22T08:48:00.000-08:00

I only have roughly a month and a half left in Wyoming before I move to Bozeman. I'm not sure that I have felt this restless and eager to move on. I know that once the time comes, I will be sad to leave. But for now, I'm excited to be traveling, to be working at a job I love and am passionate about. But being in these moments of months before the long-awaited change have got me feeling stuck and anxious. My days have turned into routines, keeping inside my comfort zones and not pushing limits. I've started climbing again to try to reduce some of the restless feelings. It's helped, and so does being outside.

I read this once, about wide open places:

"This spaciousness, this wide-open, unbiased, unprejudiced space is inexpressible and fundamentally good and sound. It's like the sky. Whenever...you're feeling uncomfortable, whenever you are caught up and don't know what to do, you can find someplace where you can go and look at the sky and experience some sort of freshness, free of hope and fear, free of bias and prejudice, just completely open. Space permeates everything, every moment of our lives."

and that is how I've lived my life ever since.

This shoot with Heidi was taken spur of the moment. Those of you who are not in photography might think it's a little ridiculous what people go through to go on photo shoots. It was maybe 5 degrees outside, and we snuck into an old, broken down bar I had gotten permission to shoot in months and months ago. The place is terrifyingly creepy and every time the wind blows, it turns the pages of an old book-half burned- laying on a shelf. We spent a lot of time walking on glass and scaring ourselves silly, and just as our toes froze in our boots, we walked a quarter of a mile back to the car that was parked in the only spot along the road that wasn't a snow bank.

Lately, I've been dreading photo shoots, before they happen, because they aren't surprising or different or anything that I really, really cared for. But I believe that's changing, and I'm walking away with images that I feel connected to and love.

2012-02-12T21:22:00.000-08:00

Life is short.
Too short.
You should be picky about who you spend your precious moments with, and what you do with them. You should decide what locations to spend your time in, and if it's really worth complaining about. Only take the best people to be in company with, the most fulfilling activities and the things that make you laugh harder than anything else.

Like spray painting your fly fishing rod hot pink with your best friend and skiing down the street in your neighborhood and cutting your hair and waking up with a kitten nesting on your pillow.

those kinds of things.

Photographs

2012-02-06T17:42:00.000-08:00

While backing up photos this weekend, I found photos from my trip to Lander this past summer. I had decided to take a month off work before I left for Indonesia to simply, go live in my car. During that time I had several great memories that will stick with me for the rest of my life.

One of these memories was learning how to jug a route for photos. It was way harder than I imagined. Mostly because I didn't do it correctly, but it was such a good experience. While Kris was trying a route, I jugged up beforehand to get some photos of him trying Ghost Dance, an incredible looking route (if you want sweaty palms, just read his write up.) Getting ready to jumar, I attached two of these carabiners to my camera to protect it from falling while I was swinging around. It was a good learning experience: learning not only to keep my gear safe, but be multitasking to make sure I was safe as well.

Kris Hampton working Ghost Dance

Kris packing it up at the end of the day.

I learned a lot about myself in the couple months over the summer. It's nice to feel like I have homes in a lot of places, not just one. Finding little pieces of yourself that you weren't expecting to find is a good feeling. I feel so lucky to have grown up exploring the sage plains and the high alpine meadows. Really, really lucky.

I miss wearing sandals and lying in the sun. But the layout for this summer is looking real nice. I got a job working for the absolutely wonderful Outdoor Nation events as their photographer. I'm also taking a whole month (!!!!) to go to Yosemite. It's just the pup and I that will be hanging out in a cabin for a couple weeks with friends coming and going.

In other news, this is what I've been up to lately:

Sorry for the lack of text and the overload of photos. I can tell you that things have been a little different lately, but I'll write a longer post about that on a later date. For now, enjoy these photographs.

2012-01-25T11:11:00.000-08:00

As a photographer, my life revolves around time.

I wear a veryunfashionable watch that functions quite well and it kills me to be late tosomething. Mostly because, my job is to catch moments. I don’t typically takeconsecutive photos in a row because I like to work on that timing. I like to capturethe moment when motion is taking place, or freeze a moment in time that seemsunbelievable. I have rarely met a photographer that asks for “do-overs” becausewe excel at the right timing. As moment capturers, this is our job. Time is ourbest friend and can also be our worst enemy. I feel like for the most part, time and I get along. I rush to getsomewhere and make it just in time, or I catch a moment right as it happens.But when that time slips out of my hands and I miss it, it feels devastating.Those moments where you and the clock just barely miss each other…those aremoments that I dread. It’s like the last light slipping away and not being ableto unzip your camera bag soon enough, or just securing your lens in place as amoose runs across your path. Sometimes we miss moments.

I will work on catching them more often.

After traveling back from Outdoor Retailer, it dawned on me that now is the time to make the big changes for my life. This includes adopting the cutest kitten you have ever seen:

It also includes eating things that make me feel good, important and worth taking the time to create. Like this delicious egg with spinach, pesto, and pepper jack cheese on a english muffin. Pair that with coffee, and you've got yourself a good morning.

It also means that I will find other options for work than the field I'm in right now. If it means living between paychecks for awhile, than that will have to happen. But doing anything else than writing and photographing would be torturing my soul, and we can't have that happen. You gotta do what you love, and this is not it. So, once again, I will step out into the big scary whole of unknown.

twenty twelve.

2012-01-12T19:02:00.000-08:00

I have one goal in this 2012 year.
I want to make more.
Make more:
Friends
Photographs that make you remember, connect, and feel.
Art
Music
Bread. Food creations.
Positive thoughts.
Opportunities.
Decisions based on love.

Adventures through travel.

There are parts of the year that sometimes words just don't flow to my mind. They get stuck in the tunnels leading up to it, and so please hold tight. I have thoughts and words that I would love to share when they get out of the traffic jam. But until then, I will keep producing images. I have always hoped that my photographs would speak more than words could.

choices and decisions.

2011-12-17T21:04:00.000-08:00

People have a lot of choices in life. You can choose what you wear to your party and what you wear when you sleep. You can choose where you want to move, when you want to move, or if you want to even move at all. You can choose to get out of bed in the morning or not get out until noon. And that’s what makes life good, right? You get to choose your happiness. When those decisions of happiness add up, they tend to equal good things.
So I’ve been noticing lately that people feel like they can only choose one thing. Maybe there are so many choices in the world, that it is exhausting to be choosing all the time, and so just picking one is easier than picking two or three or four. But I’ve seen this pattern frequently:
You either have to dress nicely all the time or you aren’t put together.
You can’t be athletic and feminine at the same time; those biceps are just a little too much.
You can’t have a career and a marriage, because both take up too much time, so you need to decide on one.
You can’t be adventurous and still have a relationship; one of them will have to go, because there isn’t room for both.
The truth is, really, that you can have both. This last phrase has been a constant theme in my life. I have seen friends, family, colleagues go through this all the time. I am surrounded by people who are making great strides in their careers and adventures and happiness and successes, but a lot of these friends and family members think that it needs to be one or the other.
Adventure vs. Family
Career vs. Relationship
Mountains vs. Stability
Life on the road vs. Home in one spot
And this isn’t talked about enough. That you can be crazy about someone and still be with them, and still go on adventures and be in the mountains and high places and travel, and still be attached to that person. I will say it again; it’s not talked about enough because it hits a spot in most people that is a little too sensitive, because sometimes maybe someone chose a mountain over you. Or maybe someone chose medical school and decided that you didn’t fit into the pursuing of their career. You might be on the other side of this, too. I know I have been on both ends. I’ve chosen to be single instead of in a relationship because it seemed easier, despite the happiness that was brought in. And I’ve also been a second choice to an adventure, because, well, they didn’t believe it was worth the sacrifice. In life people make choices, and it’s not always going to be you. It’s sad. And it’s real.
Choosing both doesn’t mean it will be life without sacrifices. And it doesn’t mean that it will be easier. And sometimes, honestly, in unique situations, you won’t be able to have both.

But listen to this: giving some things up leaves room for other things.
So really, the only decision you need to make is that you can be both.
You can have both.
You can embody more than one thing.
And no one will make that choice, but you.

dakota.

2011-12-11T16:33:00.000-08:00

Big news! National Geographic asked to put my bio and photo up as an Explorer on their website. I'm so honored to be a part of this grant process that they give opportunity for. Please view my interview here:

www.nationalgeographic.com/explorers/bios/becca-skinner

I've been walking with a heavy heart these past days. I also woke up to Heidi crying. Four of our six chickens were killed by either a fox or a dog.

I felt so heavy and disoriented, saying goodbye to all these things that were making me so happy. Both Heidi and I agreed we still wanted to go on our planned trip to South Dakota. We were feeling an immense amount of loss and grief and wanted to run away.

So we took our chickens, dogs and our heavy hearts miles and miles up the roads to go visit our soul sister, Jade, in Spearfish. We navigated through the canyons, and watched a bald eagle fly through the pines. The sun set and we watched the lines from the aspen tree shadows stretch out on the snow. We had a late dinner in Spearfish, and waiters kept checking on us because we cried our way through the meal. We loved those chickens.

Our days spent with Jade were important and bold. We were able to sneak a photo with the chickens in front of Mount Rushmore. We pointed out their faces and told them the history. We loved the two chickens with all our might, and they laid us blue eggs the entire way. We caught my pup sneaking off in Rapid City for a little jaunt through some parking lots and woods. We wandered around abandoned things and drank hot chocolate. We spent about 9 hours at the animal shelter. Because, really, what I will miss most of all is being able to pour love into someone and something. I have a pup for that, but the emptiness still feels like it will swallow me whole if I stand too close. So we poured all of the love we could muster up into animals who were looking for a home.

The five days we spent there were good and wholesome. I'm headed home to spend time with my family and best friend who just returned from Africa. Surround yourself with love, and it will surround you.

While searching for rocks..

2011-11-26T17:17:00.000-08:00

"I hike over sagebrush and hills and Veda trots at my heels; stopping when I stop, moving when I move. I think to myself how it seems so flattering for her to want to be around me constantly, to not get tired of my company.

I think about how lucky I am to be comfortable here in the plains. I think about how many people will never see this place as I do and how they will think this is desolate and empty land- barren. And I think about how being out in this open space is rejuvenating and necessary-almost vital- to my very being. I have always thrived on wild. Wild places. wild people, wild hearts and ideas. Because it is in those that I believe I'm brought back to the roots of myself. The desire to see unknown land, the thought of stepping in a place that no one before me has stepped are ideas that keep my heart and soul alive and thriving.

I look around at my family, all looking for the same things. I notice my dog listens more when we are in the backcountry, and I tend to listen more, too. I notice the smallest details: the remains of an animal, the bones laid out as if in a museum, the smallest layers of a ridge, built up over time, and the gentle clouds, laying a blanket over the horizon. I believe myself and my family become better people out here. Without distractions, we are stripped of the excess, and that is when it seems to me that we are most honest and true. Each others company is strongly preferred and despite the oncoming snow and wind, everyone is smiling.

I think of all these things while I walk, foot over foot, grin stretched on my face and letting my soul be honest and wild. It is here in the open where you have the ability to think. This is maybe the only space where true, honest thought can occur. You can be honest about who you miss and why, or how being alone sometimes feels lonely but a little like home. I believe that everyone should feel a sense of being incredibly small in a large world. That sentiment is not to belittle someone, or create a sense of fear- but moreover, allow a shift in perspective- there is something much larger than your own immediate world, and it takes a paradigm shift to see it.

...these moments of pure happiness, pure joy and truth are the ones that will never change, but will forever be left the way they are."

I etched these words into a piece of paper while sitting right in this spot with Veda.

Decisions became incredibly clear and obvious, and I'm ready to move on.

it's been some time..

2011-11-17T11:43:00.000-08:00

I can't tell you how many "drafts" of blog posts that I have from the past two weeks. It just seems every time I try to write, nothing comes out the way that I need it to. I don't just have writer's block when I try to write a post, my final report for our Sumatra trip just isn't flowing. Even my photographs have just been failing. It's not that I'm not inspired and it's not that I feel like I don't have the right things to say, I just feel empty of the right words. The more I try to fight it, the more it doesn't work.

When I looked back on this semester to ask myself what I accomplished, I couldn't think of anything tangible that I produced. Really, what I did, was taught myself to slow down. I took mornings slow, and I really value and honor that time every morning that I wake up, start the coffee and collect the eggs. I learned to take my time with relationships and friendships. I haven't been trying to rush to get to appointments, or even set them up, really. I have been so protective and honest with my time. I've been careful with money. And so now, when things are changing so drastically, it feels like so many of the things that I have poured myself into are done.

I'm not a student next semester. Not even a little bit. This simultaneously terrifies and delights me, because I know that it's the right thing to do. But the combination of relationships ending, friends moving, me getting ready to move, etc., it just seems like most of the things that matter most are changing in a large way. And who knows, maybe it will be the most positive thing, but I'm allowed to miss and it is valid to know that people who are so important to me will be truly missed of their immediate presence in my life.

2011-11-08T17:19:00.000-08:00

I'm going to their concert tomorrow:

It's hard to believe that this is my last winter in Wyoming.

I've almost completely decided where I'll be moving in the spring.

No school in the spring.

free.

2011-11-02T14:47:00.000-07:00

Things are changing.

2011-10-30T12:46:00.000-07:00

Can I tell you that today I'm just feeling a little sad and delicate?

And I have to remember that you don't need to be strong all the time, and that sometimes it's okay to spend the day laying in bed and dreaming.

Remembering

2011-10-23T21:53:00.000-07:00

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We went to the Valley.

It's always a emotional time of year for me; the fall. I think it's because I see it's transformation, so easily witnessed. The leaves change colors and drop, and it's a transition period between two dramatically different times. It's also a time of year that I feel the heaviness of loss and the immense changes that those sorts of times bring, too.

The maple leaves were orange, red and yellow and the light shining through them was almost too beautiful to explain. The air had a certain crispness and things just seemed to make sense. I laid in El Cap Meadow, and I felt like I was sleeping at the feet of a giant. It's funny that it seemed to feel like I was coming home.

That night was the 5oth anniversary of the ascent of the Salathe Wall, ironically, and we got to spend a nice dinner talking to Royal Robbins and his wife Liz (who grabbed a little piece of my heart) and Tom Frost, as well as Ken Yager, who runs the Yosemite Climber's Association, his wife, and Katie D. who runs the Ansel Adams gallery in the Valley. It was quite the evening, and it felt pretty unbelievable that everyone was gathered there together.

The next day, we woke up and had coffee on the porch of Curry Village while we watched the sun change positions behind the maple trees. And when the sun patches were finally settled on our feet, we went on a walk towards Half Dome, exchanging stories the whole way. It felt like a cinematic kind of day, everything was beautiful and dramatic and I felt like a part of something so much bigger. We got to sit with Royal and Tom as they did a book and photograph signing, which was so special. I think there is even some video footage of me talking to the two of them, shot by a film crew that came in.

After spending time in the village, we went over to a favorite tree that we call "The Muir Tree." As we were laying there among the roots, I started to feel sad. It's been five years since the accident, and that's a lot of time. Just as I started to really feel the heaviness of time, several mountain bluebirds flew down into the meadow. And then more showed up. I was shocked to see them, as Ron was telling us that he has never seen them around those parts of the Valley. We sat and watched them dive and twist, and I couldn't help but cry a couple tears. Like the bluebird that is permanently on my side, they were there. It wasn't anything I had thought to ask for on this day.

On the way back, I picked some fresh mint leaves, grabbed a couple maple leaves and then got in the car. Driving home, I was happy. We ate salmon and drank beer, cheering to the good life that my Uncle Todd had lived.

Our lives are meant to be celebrated.

travel day.

2011-10-19T16:57:00.000-07:00

Even though I am in the place that I was so excited to get to, I feel off.

Maybe it's due to the fact that I'm running on 3 hours of sleep, two very, very large cups of coffee and a small sandwich and I've been up for 15 hours. Maybe it's due to the fact that I'm missing some people, and this time of year always feels a little different than the rest. Maybe it's due to the fact that here, the sun is shining and back home it was snowing. Or maybe it's due to the fact that I feel a little overwhelmed with the amount of Sumatra-related things going on in my life.

I waited for the bus for a long time.

And then, I waited more.

Tomorrow, we will spend the day in the city after a slow moving morning with the Redwoods. I'll look at the Golden Gate and know that my heart will rest for a little. And maybe tomorrow, I won't feel so off.

2011-10-14T20:03:00.000-07:00

knobby knees

We go on. We move on. Collect experiences, bring them back to our people in forms of stories, photographs, scars. Sometimes I feel as if I've dreamed Sumatra. Our time there, in the grand scheme of things, was so temporary. But I feel as if now, that memory has been ingrained into the smile lines at the corners of my eyes, and etched into the lines of my palms.

And now, next week, we are nearing on it being one year since our team has worked on this project. One year, full of plans, many of which fell through, many of which we were able to see play out.

I'm not quite sure why I haven't felt like I have been able to write a quality post for awhile now. Maybe because, I feel so full of other things. I am full of hope, change, happiness; all of these have culminated into one big pool of unknowing. One day I will write again, when I can sort everything out and divide it up.

Right now, the only things I truly know are that I wake up happy and I go to sleep knowing that tomorrow is new.

I'm learning.

still.

Traveling.

2011-10-11T12:45:00.000-07:00

San Francisco

Yosemite

The Golden Gate

Petaluma

Beach

Redwoods

Sumatra presentations

Planes

Coastlines

Photographs

I need to be reminded of things that are vast. I need to look up at the Redwoods. I need to feel the fog and the cold water of the Pacific. I need to be in Yosemite to be reminded that I am small and the world is big.

I need to be moving.

Going.

Traveling.

2011-10-05T18:27:00.000-07:00

Lucky Pennies

Autumn makes me honest. I find myself being able to communicate a little better.

Big life decisions are ahead. I am trying to direct my concentration on smaller things that seem more simple.

I'm so appreciative of people who let me be wild, and who tell me to follow my soul.

I think that I've gotten to be be really comfortable and good at being alone. When another person comes in the picture, it takes time to find the balance. Lucky for me, he is patient. I'm so appreciative.

This year, for the fifth year anniversary since my Uncle's death, I'll be in Yosemite. It seems like the right thing for me to do. I'm terribly excited to be in San Fransisco for a couple days. It is my favorite city (and I normally don't like cities).

Fall reminds me of loss.

But, loss makes room for new things.

and that's what I've tried to remember.

2011-09-28T18:52:00.000-07:00

Tonight, as I was hurriedly walking through the library so I can keep working on our first Sumatra presentation for tomorrow, out of the corner of my eye I saw a man in the corner on a mat, faced East, and praying.

It was a small reminder of Indonesia, and in a different sort of way, it felt close to home. I remember watching everyone go to prayer at 7 every night and falling asleep to the Qur'an playing over the loud speakers in each village.

As I found in my Sumatra journal today:

"I'm exhausted. I'm so worn out, stressed out and burnt out on eating the exact same thing every day. But this; these exact things I'm feeling and experiencing are everything and nothing like I have ever dreamed."

I'm starting to feel the slowness of fall time. The golden light in the morning, the thick smell of the coffee in the grinder, the days that I have to put on a sweater, tie my hair up and put on work boots to go out and feed the chickens. It's a slow moving routine, and it's allowed me to spend more time planning out what I'd like to do that day.

Everything feels very honest as of lately, and my bones are starting to crave some place different; maps feel more like home than other places, and vastness seems more reasonable than anything else.

2011-09-19T20:46:00.000-07:00

Some days, I wish everyone else would remember that I'm only 21 years old.

Honestly, I'm thrilled about where my life is going.

But sometimes...just sometimes, I want to remind people that I'm still young.

I don't want a career yet.

I don't want to be tied down.

This is the best field that I've ever been to. It was good to run free for awhile.

some recent snapshots.

2011-09-18T12:29:00.000-07:00

recent snapshots of my life.

i'm in the process of a lot of really, really good things. I'm putting together a portfolio for some companies in January for the Outdoor Retailer Show in SLC which means lots of photo shooting, practice and videoing. I was just notified that some of the photos I shot for the University while I was in Jackson are now being turned into a 6 ft banner for the Environment and Natural Resources program.

I came home last night to a surprise party put on by my roommates. It was mustache themed, and it was so nice to be surrounded by the people who really mean the world to me. We laughed, drank cold beers, and wore our mustaches proudly. This morning, waking up, I realized how many mustaches are in our house now, including, but not limited to: all the mirrors in my room, the toilet, the maple syrup, peanut butter and salt shaker, and the windows.

I am so grateful to be living this life of mine.

Jade and Duck, the chicken.

family photo, 15 animals. (with guest housemates Jade&Dillon)

Heidi cliff jumping (Cheyne Lempe photo)

3 of my best friends at my surprise birthday mustache party.

morning mustache sightings.

Shooting with Annie Williams

2011-09-17T12:21:00.000-07:00

Annie Williams and her husband Ben, two lovely friends from Nashville, TN were in town recently. I've always loved Annie's music and when I found out she was around, we agreed to do a photo shoot.

We ended up in an abandoned tavern, some miles from town. The building was uncomfortable to say the least. Both of us were super jumpy, and found a lot of old children's books, toys, clothes, paint cans, and various other random items that creeped us out. We also ran in to the realtor of the house, who we introduced ourselves to, and she told us that the tavern had been in a huge fire years ago and was now for sale.

Thanks, Annie, for putting up with my requests for you to sit on faulty and broken chairs, lead based paint shelves and standing on top of fridges that had who-knows-what inside. You're a good sport.

21

2011-09-12T11:59:00.000-07:00

I turned 21 years old today!

I'm feeling extremely grateful for everything that I have experienced in my life. The people I've come across, the places I have traveled, the fears that I have faced head-on. I have learned a lot in the past year, maybe I've learned more this year than any other year of my life, because I feel like I'm starting to learn how to live life in full.

Something that has been drifting across my mind recently, is happiness. I'm being conscious in the times where I feel the overflowing happiness, spilling out of my mind and soul and holding on to that. In those moments of pure joy, no one can steal that feeling from you. No matter what happens in the future, or in the moments previous, those times of deeply rooted contentedness cannot be changed. I'm looking back at those times in my life with graciousness and appreciation that they made such a big impact on my soul. Knowing that forever they will be perfect moments. Like, when I first got out of the car in Yosemite, years after the place had been a fear for me and these words from Dante rang in my ears:

This mountain of release is such that the

ascent's most painful at the start, below;

the more you rise, the milder it will be.

And when the slope feels gentle to the point that

climbing up sheer rock is effortless

as though you were gliding downstream in a boat,

then you will have arrived where this path ends.

Like, when I watched fog settle over the Golden Gate Bridge in the afternoon, and watched triangle shaped boats sail in silhouettes underneath.

Like when you witness something so pure and whole that it feeds your soul and encourages you to continue.

Like today when I finally got to talk to my soul sister, Ella, who is in South Africa.

Or when I sat in a rice paddy in Sumatra and thought to myself, I can do anything now.

Moments of complete happiness that no one can take from me. Moments that are so clear and perfect they will always be the ones that I will turn to when I feel sadness coming.

Today I have been able to spend the day exactly how I wanted. I went out in to the wild with my puppy. I explored, took photographs, and I sat down and wrote down everything that I was feeling on this exact day. I saw a fox (which is good luck) and sat all dreamy eyed under a navy blue sky as a couple pronghorns ran across the horizon. Finally, I dragged my favorite books out with me in the middle of the field, and copied all of my favorite life quotations onto some blank pages.

Tonight, camping, whiskey, campfire.

I'm feeling exactly happy.

2011-09-09T13:59:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I wish I could pinpoint and capture moments of happiness.

I would put it in a mason jar on my windowsill to save it for the days that I feel it's missing.

Coming home.

2011-09-02T00:12:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how many times I've tried to write this specific blog post.

I've deleted and re-written, let the subject simmer for days on end, but still, the words aren't coming out of my fingertips the way that I have wanted them to. And I guess that's okay for me right now, I'm finally having some peace about not being able to write these words. Because, how really, can you describe the feeling of freedom? I miss it.

It's not that I feel stuck, although the feeling does creep up on me at times and swallows me whole. But it's missing the feeling of having a whole new place in front of you; a big plate of options and locations, and no one way is the correct one to take. It was the feeling I got when I first stepped off the plane in Asia, all wires of my brain directed to the mission of surviving, enjoying, exploring, experiencing. This feeling of freedom is unlike any experience than I can specifically name, or anything tangible that I can show you.

This idea of "going" has been spinning in my head for a long while. I'm not sure at what point in my life that I decided that traveling was the easiest way for me to feel alive. The thought of being un-caged and belonging to no one but the wind, drifting to everywhere and anywhere I'd like, and the encompassing feelings of having to adapt; all of that is so deeply appealing to me.

Sometimes I wonder why I want to go so much. Maybe it's because perpetually moving forward means never settling down. Maybe it stems deeply from the fact that the first months of my life, my hips were dislocated and the feeling of being unable to go has ingrained it in my memory that I need to move as much as I can. Maybe it's because the thought of the unknown is simultaneously paralyzing and thrilling. And maybe, it's just the sole fact that going is exciting.

I'm not ready to go again, or at least not right this minute. My desire to be a vagabond is being settled by the peace of watching coffee being poured into deep cup, the patience of cooking my own food, and the slow onset of fall and winter, changing the hue of the light pouring into our rooms to a light blue.

I was told awhile ago by a wise person, that sometimes you need to leave somewhere, just so you can come back. Maybe I don't need to go again just yet, despite missing the freedom of going. Maybe being in one spot will yield the same amount of happiness.

2011-08-22T22:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just feel like I have lived for a thousand years.

I have seen so much in this lifetime of mine.

And if I could only put it all into words for you, I would.

But, I cannot.

So instead, I'll give you photographs.

new lives.

2011-08-13T14:17:00.000-07:00

found: birds nest

I've always referred to our Sumatra expedition as being in three chapters.

Chapter 1: Pre-expedition planning, paperwork, funding, grant writing and general preparation.

Chapter 2: Expedition. Making it happen.

Chapter 3: Post-expedition presentations, photo sorting, story development.

We are now in the early phases of Chapter 3. It's semi overwhelming but also extremely exciting- getting to share what we have discovered.

Looking back on my time in Sumatra, it's difficult to believe it happened. It was so out of this world, so foreign and strange at times, but at other times it grabbed my heart and made it feel close to home.

I learned an immeasurable amount throughout this trip. It can't be quantified or even put into words, really, because I'm still not sure everything I have learned. What I can tell you is that it will deeply translate into how I live my everyday life, the patience that I have developed, the interest and respect that I have generated, and the immense amount of confidence that I have in trusting my soul.

Both Chris and I at times agreed, "I feel like I can do anything now." And that's the feeling that carried us through during the difficult sections of the expedition. And oh, when it was difficult, it was difficult.

Having to consistently make difficult, weighted decisions was a test of our ability to focus on the immediate future- an extremely hard task for me to do (and it was good practice.) Being challenged for the majority of the day made me exhausted and the process of how to divide and conquer, communicate effectively and fight through frustration was a sharp learning curve, but a good one.

I would love to sit down with every single person in my life and share my experience over a cup of steaming Sumatran coffee and listen to their travel experiences.

I can tell you that many people who go on expeditions make it look like a cake walk, and I felt like I stumbled and tripped through mine, but I know I'll do better next time.

I am so thrilled to start exploring the world, and searching for the unexplored parts, like much of what we saw in Sumatra.

I can tell you that photographically, I felt pressure, but when I got to shoot photographs of people, I felt like we exchanged pieces of our soul.

I stepped over rubble from what used to be houses, found spoons and cigarette cases, clothes, and keys tucked into plants, all of which used to belong to someone, 7 years ago.

I communicated without using a language.

I made important life decisions while staring at a completely different constellation.

We flew home in style with business class tickets, slept on airplane seats that folded down into beds, and finally, at last, made it home.

American soil is beautiful.

One day I'll return to Banda Aceh.

It's been almost 11 months planning this expedition, and for an hour or two in transit home, I started to worry that this was it. It's over, it's done, it's almost completed. When I told Chris this, he looked at me like I was crazy. And it's true, I have a problem with trying to look too far into the future. So when I wake up and when I feel myself looking too far ahead, I say again and again to myself "be here now."

Another thought that drifts through my mind again and again are the words: new life.

Seeing the other side of the world, everything there was new, different, changed from what I knew and learned. Now coming back home, I feel like I have new eyes. I see things and people in a different light.

So waking up extremely early this morning (still trying to get over that 11 hour time difference), I went for a walk in the sunflowers. They smiled and grasshoppers jumped across the path as I walked around them. Bees flew and collected and the air smelled of sage. It felt like home.

More than anything else I learned, I found that home can be found anywhere. The laughing children that want their photograph taken, and then laugh again and again when they see their face on the back of the screen. It's hearing a Bob Dylan song when you are 11,000 miles away from the places you knew. It's recognizing someone familiar in someone you just met. And it's connecting with people in a wholehearted way that is unforgettable.

chapter 1.

2011-08-07T19:07:00.000-07:00

I'm here in Indonesia, and it's our last day in the country before we depart to the US.

This trip has challenged me mentally, emotionally, physically, and photographically. There were days that I felt that all we did was fight for the photographs we wanted and ended up empty handed. But we are leaving feeling fulfilled.

I'm now full of experiences that are embedded in the smiles lines around my eyes, and I know that my heart has seen the other side of the planet.

I'm walking away with a lighter step in my feet, and increased patience.

I'm flying away with more questions than answers about the world, and more understanding about myself.

And finally, I know that I care deeply about this project and the people I've worked with.

adventuring!

2011-07-26T07:24:00.000-07:00

Maybe you came to the blog to see if I've written lately?

I'm in Indonesia!

To follow our adventures for the extent of the expedition, please visit:

http://rebuildingbandaaceh.tumblr.com

Love to you all from the other side of the planet.

mountain houses.

2011-07-14T20:00:00.000-07:00

My life is full of these moments. I hope I can convey them accurately to you in some artistic fashion. In the past couple days I have:

- learned how to use an ascender to jumar up a rope to get above a climber to take photos looking down.

- bruised my thighs from said ascender+harness.

- got to see a new area, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful part of the mountain.

- drank huge cups of coffee with hot chocolate mixed in.

- went on a hike with one of my best friends

- made PBR macaroni and cheese because we didn't have milk.

- got to spend a night in the mountain house in the company of this soul sister of mine, Jade. She takes magical photographs and she helps me understand the world better.

- we hiked to a medicine wheel on top of a mountain and sat in the middle to take in the world around us.

- I came to terms with letting some people go. If they aren't good for your brain, don't keep them around.

- I woke up to my dog barking at a moose outside of the cabin window at 5 in the morning. During this confusing time, we also saw the sun rise.

- I took photographs upon photographs

- Jumped in a cold pool of collected water from rain in a natural outdoor pool.

- I thought many times again and again how lucky I am to live this life I'm living.

The countdown: 5 days until departure to Indonesia.

the land of w's.

2011-07-09T19:49:00.000-07:00

This place always makes me missing. I took a little trip up to the mountain house my family has outside of Lander. It's right in the middle of fields of wildflowers, limestone cliffs, aspen groves and a baby river.

Grief is a process. Cliche- yes, I know. But there isn't a time limit on how/when time will feel like it's different but it's okay. If nothing else, my short time here in this place has assured me that the wind is at my back, I have a crowd on the sidelines, and I'm headed in the right direction. So that great overwhelming sense of missing I feel? It's okay. I let it come and sit it down, know that it's valid and honest, and then let it go. The mountain house is so, so special to me for a lot of reasons. And honestly, it's a place I crave when I am in the deep midst of grieving and missing. So I was so excited to share it with two ladies- Paige and Kara. These two keep me laughing so hard my stomach hurts. We ate good food, played music, did a puzzle, explored, took photos, laughed, watched the constellation move through the night and had a really, really good time relaxing.

I think next time I go up to the mountain house will be a solo trip. I want to listen to some good jazz music, dance with my puppy, run as fast as I can through the wildflower fields and feel the roots of the aspens underneath my back. Life is so, so fast. I want to take all the pictures I can to capture how beautiful I think it is.

it comes and goes in waves.

Someone asked me tonight where I was from: someone sitting next to me leaned over and said, "she's transient."

I like belonging to nowhere, to no one. Maybe one day I will, but for right now, I realize that I have missed being a part of something inconsistent and wild.

finally

2011-07-06T10:42:00.001-07:00

So I got in my car and left Laramie. Finally.

I've only been waiting for this moment for days and weeks. I packed my car full of good things like a climbing rope, a tent, guitar, two backpacks full of clothing for any type of weather I choose to encounter and let the pup sit in the front seat. The day before I left, we had some incredible and talented couchsurfers stay with us (www.couchsurfing.com) that sang jazz like it was straight from New Orleans. I went on a goodbye bike ride with one of my favorite ladies, and we rode through deep water with our bikes through the flooded Laramie river. We were winding around the typical bike loop when we saw two foxes. Foxes are good luck signs, so we were thrilled since both of us were about ready to do things that are extremely important to our places in the world.

I went up to one of my favorite places in the entire world yesterday. I walked through fields of wildflowers at 10,000 ft with the mountains close behind me. I had to take a couple moments a few times to catch my breath and hold my tears back. The amount of peace in this place is a little overwhelming. There are days that my trip to Indonesia feels way bigger than anything I can handle, and while I was there, I felt on top of it. I felt under control, I felt like I knew what I was doing and no matter what anyone told me, I could sort it out. All this expedition planning made me miss my uncle. And being in this place, doing what I love, searching for problems to solve, chasing sun, shooting photos, being able to witness wholehearted love, all of it settles that missing. The overwhelming sense of belonging in this exact place at this exact moment, was way more comforting and relieving than I ever thought possible. So I am keeping it with me and holding on to it.

So here I am, traveling as I have wanted to do for ages. I've been sleeping by myself in a tent, on couches, on floors, in parks and in yards. Is it as glamorous as I thought?

abso-freaking-lutely.

I needed a transient lifestyle to put things back in perspective..to save money, to live minimally, to feel like this is enough for my mind. I wanted to eat apples and Clif Bars for lunch, to live out of two backpacks and only have 6 choices of shirts for weeks. To me, this makes the most sense out of anything. So I have come to this conclusion:

What I am doing right now, the way I am living, might be selfish, yes. It might be crazy to some people, yes. But the absolute fulfillment and happiness that it breeds makes me able to contribute to society fully and in a wholesome way. And when you are doing things that make you come alive, its beautiful.

freedom!

2011-06-23T15:40:00.000-07:00

Next week is my last week of work. In 10 days I will pack my car full of 1 backpack, a bike, my guitar and harmonica, a puppy and my climbing gear. For two weeks I'll be living in my car exploring the great depths of Wyoming and possibly Montana (if I have time.) There are a lot of subtle fears I have for this upcoming trip to Indonesia, and I need some time to think them out on my own.

All I have wanted all this summer is to go live in my car. For most, I know how ridiculous this sounds. Most reactions are ones of horror and misunderstanding. I was also told "I don't think you understand- living in your car won't be glamorous." Oh, trust me. I know. Not having a home base for an extended period of time definitely has it's downsides. At times I don't feel secure, I have to constantly put up with myself with no company but my dog, and a car only allows for so much room and privacy. But the upsides?

Free Roads Ahead

Endless Options

Living on tortillas and watermelon to compensate for the gas prices it will take to get to the next location

New people

A lot of time to think

Getting to read books and play music

Being uncomfortable and learning how to deal with it

Good stories

Time to write adventures down on pages

Chasing the sun until it sets

Rock climbing

Longboarding and biking

The patience that comes with waiting out bad weather

Brown shoulder tops from sitting outside for hours on end

and most of all..

Freedom

Freedom.

I definitely don't expect everyone to understand this. But the feeling (for me) of not being tied down to a job, limited responsibilities, the ability to disappear into the backcountry without a cell phone or computer for awhile, to really understand myself better...all of this culminates and builds in me while I'm staying in one place.

So those of you who understand or are wishing for travel, I hope you are finding adventures of your own. I'll be headed to Lander first (in preparation for the International Climber's Festival) so if you find yourself around or within photo distance, give a holler and drop a line.

By the way- my friend Katie is in town. I met her in New Orleans while I was photographing the 5 year difference from Hurricane Katrina back in October. The only word that I know how to describe Katie is, is my soul sister. And I'm ever so grateful for the endless encouragement and conversation that she allows me. We went out to shoot photos today and she willingly sat in mosquito infested flower fields for the sake of the photos. What a lady.

2011-06-13T23:18:00.000-07:00

Babies

first birthdays

cupcakes

golden sunsets

long skies

completing original songs

sunburns

living on avocados and tortillas because we would rather travel than eat wealth-ily.

giving away clothing for the sake of simplicity.

and knowing that in two weeks I will be living out of my car. that keeps me going.

2011-06-09T15:39:00.000-07:00

I’ve spent the past three days entering data on suicide statistics for my job (I help write grants and do research for suicide prevention and mental health initiatives around Wyoming). I’m exhausted and seeing all the data was really draining. I’m walking away feeling like I seriously need something different in my life.

On my way up for this trip, we stopped in Lander for a brief couple hours so I could see some girls I used to climb with in Colorado. They were living out of the back of a car, living the dirtbag life and climbing around the United States until late August. This is the life that I have wanted to live this summer, but am unable to. It was painful for my heart to know that I had to leave them, eating watermelon for lunch, to go sit in an office for the longest work shifts of my life. I have been working full time for the past couple days, 8-10 hour days and feeling so empty at the end of it. I believe that this work is meaningful, but this is not what I want to do for my life. At the end of the first day, my boss and I went mountain biking through the reservoir here. She brought a really nice bike for me to borrow while I’m here, and it was exactly what I needed to be outside after a ten hour day at the office talking about suicide. We rode out a couple miles and watched the sky turn purple and orange before it started to get really windy and dark. When we decided to turn around, we saw that the path we had come down was completely immersed in a sandstorm. The only choice was to go back through it.

So, on we went. The dust was hitting me in the face, and I could barely see out of one eye. I kept thinking to myself “why do I end up in these situations…the ones that seem really desperate and epic?” until I realized that a part of me really loves it. I secretly love the stories that involve some kind of adventure twist to it. I even more so love that I tend to be a part of them. Half way through the ride back, I looked over to see my boss, pedaling as hard as she can and going virtually nowhere. I started laughing so hard- we were basically riding sideways through the storm, and we hadn’t even worn bike shorts or packed water. We made it back after an hour of fighting against the 40+ mph headwinds against us, and dirt crammed in all of the corners of my eyes, nose and ears. My boss felt so bad, but I assured her she was in good company for adventures like that. It was a really, really good release for the day.

I made the final decision about moving to Bozeman and I set a date. It might happen earlier than when I decided, but it will definitely happen by then. It’s terrifying to me…I haven’t had to start over for four years.

I think I’m at a life conundrum. I have all the faith in the world that things will be okay, but I’m just not feeling great (which is also okay.)

2011-06-02T19:14:00.001-07:00

I've been feeling pretty negative as of late. So for the past couple days, I've been trying to concentrate on little actions; giving them my full attention and being 100% in what I do. It is definitely not easy.

This is the first house I have lived at with a yard since I moved to Wyoming, and we have now planted a garden in an old tub and sink. My roommate also built a compost bin and a chicken coop for our little babies who are now awkward teenage chickens.

I sat outside yesterday and pruned the tree in our yard: break away the old branches, make room for new ones...a good metaphor for life, don't you think? I cleared out the tree until most all of the old, dead branches were in a messy pile to my left. It was nice to see a project from start to finish.

We also recently had a bbq for a couple friends who were going away. One of my most favorite parts of living in this house is that we host people all the time. I grew up this way, with people coming and leaving the house, visiting for a couple days at a time at random intervals of years. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I lived in a place where we have that happen every weekend.

2011-05-30T13:14:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling way too tied down

too much attachment

too much commitment to things I don't care enough about

not enough passion and inspiration.

I need some time alone to sit in the mountains.

I need to drive for hours on end to no place in particular.

I need to sit down with the big questions in my life.

I need to re-learn how to be alone.

Missing the Valley

2011-05-28T10:43:00.000-07:00

If you asked me where I wished I was right now, I would probably tell you that I wish I was in Yosemite. There are things that I need to do here, and I realize that. However, the feeling has grown into not just wishing, but into a full-out-sometimes-I-get-teary-eyed-thinking-about-it-wish.

Maybe if you have been to the Valley, you get this sentiment. The difference between my longing and other's missing feelings, is that it's not because I long to be on the granite walls. But the underlying feeling I think is still somewhat similar. The magnitude of power that is in Yosemite is beyond words. To stand alone in a field surrounded by walls that feel powerful, yet familiar, is a feeling that is far beyond the words that I can describe it as. And with the risk of sounding overly sentimental about it, it's magic. I felt something so much bigger than myself there, and I have a longing to be immersed in that feeling again.

I walked in to the Valley, shaking, nervous, angry and upset. I wrapped tibetan prayer beads around my wrist for some strength to conquer a fear of a place that held a lot of negative energy for me. But as soon as I was there, it wasn't overwhelming anymore. Its hard to be mad at a place that leaves you speechless. It's difficult to be face to face with such heavy feelings.
And it feels like a lead weight off your back when you sit down with those feelings and acknowledge their presence, but tell them that they don't control you.

I miss feeling photographically challenged.

I miss San Fransisco.

and I miss Yosemite Valley.

the slow days

2011-05-25T10:01:00.000-07:00

I inherited a Nikon film camera and about 40 rolls of expired film. The colors in the film are really bright and the blues are really, really blue.

My days right now consist of waking up, drinking Sumatran coffee in my kitchen in the morning with my roommates, going to work for 5 hours and then longboarding, biking or playing guitar in a rocking chair from the afternoons into late at night.

It's slow. And beautiful.

hope for the future

2011-05-19T13:19:00.000-07:00

My sister graduated from high school this week. I walked in to graduation, already exhausted, feeling a little negative about the past week of my life. But there was something about how excited everyone was about their future that was contagious. 500 kids are going off, taking a step into what might feel like an unknown. It was comforting for me because I feel like I am doing the same. But yet, in the moment where everything is new, there was so much enthusiasm for the next step of their lives. I left feeling really inspired.

I like empty things. I like the way an empty space feels because I feel like it can be full of anything, it's a blank space. It doesn't need to be filled up, it can just be open and vast. I like the way that empty bottles look on window sills and I like the way that bowls and jars look when they are bare. So any time spent in these places really encourages me to take a step back, re-center my life, and realize that I can start over. It allows me space to explore, to find, to breathe. And I decided, what use is holding on to things, emotions, that weigh you down?

I've started to give away things in order to live my life more simply. After last summer when I lived out of my car with a small feather bed laid down over the seats, a backpack, my guitar and a harmonica, I realized how easy things can be when you eliminate the unnecessary.

So this week started and ended with the thoughts that there are good people in the world, and I'm surrounded by a lot of them. I'm feeling really lucky for having a circle of friends that can calm my mind after it's been running around for far too long.

a lot of words to say.

2011-05-13T10:08:00.000-07:00

We interact with a hundred people a day. We walk into each other’s lives unannounced and unexpectedly connect with them. This is a beautiful part of life, don’t you think? It is one billion small circles, overlapping.

I have a hard time letting people go. I will admit that always. But doesn't everyone have some kind of past experience that leaves them a little scarred for the future? There have been many people in my life that have come in quickly and left unexpectedly. So what do you do? Maybe there needs to be a balance, but I tend to throw myself in wholeheartedly.

Of course, there is an aspect of fear. I’m scared of the pains that will come with the wholeheartedness. I’m scared of the idea that someone might not find you as interesting as they once did. But to me, it means more than waiting, because you can’t guarantee your next minute of life. For myself, I would rather live wholeheartedly than live my life with hesitation and fear.

It amazes me the people that have the hard resilience from bending and breaking, but are still warm hearted and kind. Its those people that use their sadness, their happiness, their sorrow and their broken hearts to change the world in a more positive way. I'd like to be more like that.

So for the past couple days I've been just trying to focus on not wishing for more time. It's a difficult thing to do, but you can't extend the clock. So I'll take what I have, and appreciate all the good that comes with it, and I'll take the bad in strides.

The other day ended with blue kitchens and pink skies. It was so sublimely beautiful that I took a moment to really consider where my life was. Even though the timing of things are so confusing, I love the direction where things are going. I'm taking time off school, I'm going to be living out my dream, I've been inspired to give away things; to shed my life of things that aren't necessary or wanted.

So are the promises to myself: to love wholeheartedly, even though there are costs, because life is too quick to not. to spend more time making art instead of spending time anxious. and to not ask for more time, but to love the time I was given.

We went to Saratoga hot springs the other day, we drove far distances to hot pools and sunshine tucked away in the mountains. After that, we drove back on dirt roads that kicked up dust behind us and wove through the mountains. We pulled over to take some pictures, go barefoot in the grass, and it was the perfect day to say 'see you later's' and 'hello's.'

endings and beginnings, they are confusing, beautiful things.

2011-05-12T07:55:00.000-07:00

I think I've been feeling an overwhelming sense of self doubt.

It stops me in the middle of my tracks and looks me straight in the eye to ask me questions like, "what are you even doing?" and "what are you thinking?! This doesn't matter." So I have to go back to the basics of what I know, because it doesn't feel right. And what do I know?

I know that I have to live my life in a way that makes me happy.

My happiness comes from living a life that benefits others.

I know that I seek progression.

I know that I am not going to settle at where I am currently.

I know that I will pick and choose my battle, but settling for happiness is not an option.

I know that love exists, because I can see it in tiny acts, thoughts and words, but I'm not sure if it's where I want it to be right now.

I know that you can't control love. You can't make the decision of who loves you, or why they love or don't love you.

I know that I go into meaningful things wholeheartedly.

I know that school is not the right decision for me right now.

I know that it is summer, but the way the semester ended made a statement that was loud and clear for me.

I know that I would rather be on the road and feeling a hint of loneliness, than be with someone that is in it half heartedly.

I know that there are a lot, a lot of things that I need to work on. That has become very clear.

The week of finals ended badly. As I was walking to one final, it literally felt like people were pulling me back, away from the building. My heart and soul were going wild and my heartbeat rose quickly. I felt an immense feeling of "un-belonging." I didn't want to go, I couldn't go. I chose not to go to my final. I turned around, I went home, and I cried all the way. I'm not going to make myself do something that I feel influences me in such a strongly negative way. I think there is a time and a place for learning (even if it's boring) but now is not the time or the place in my life for academics.

I'm ready to go to Indonesia and live out my life's dream already. My friend Jade is coming this weekend to visit, and the word "thrilled" doesn't even begin to describe how much I need her here. Good friends will do that for you- help your heart.

Beginnings and Endings

2011-05-08T15:28:00.000-07:00

I think I've been feeling heavy for the past day or two because things are coming to a close. I feel a hint of this when semesters end, when people graduate and move, or things feel like they are shifting significantly.

I am tired of talking about the future- now is enough for me to think about.

I'm feeling a lack of communication in my life.

2011-05-07T08:39:00.000-07:00

I never thought spring would come, but I found it today.

Hints of life and growth.

We made a fire today by a river although it was incredibly windy.

I listened to the harmonica playing, and appreciated time to pause.

Have you found something that captivates your heart?

You will.

We bonded over broken bones

2011-05-02T13:18:00.000-07:00

The weather is grey but the future is bright.

It's been one crazy past year, let me just tell you. I looked back today at where I was a year ago, and was amazed at the time, space, distance, people and situations that have changed.

Almost one year ago I made a pilgrimage to a place that I lived in fear of for so long. Making that step has forever changed the way I have lived my life. Stepping out into something that feels fearful, is just that- fearful. It may hurt, it definitely will not be easy, but sometimes it's necessary for growth.

I think I'm feeling a little sentimental lately because things have been falling into place. I haven't been hitting any brick walls, its just all worked out eventually. Isn't it odd to find little fractions of your soul in places and people you wouldn't have thought you would find them in? This is what keeps me hoping, and this is what keeps me having faith in the world. So I catch myself giving in to feelings of impulsion and happiness because doing that has led me to now. And now is not so bad at all.

So all that I can tell you is that tragedy is tragedy. But the hope that I have found in tragedy is that it brings beautiful people together. So I have to keep thinking that life doesn't end when something awful happens, because for me it hasn't. Life goes on, as cliche as that sounds, I believe it. It's important for me to live a life that encourages others to sweep up their opportunities and love wholeheartedly. I sometimes describe my life as circles, as teacups or bowls. One of my favorite books is about a woman describing her life as a bowl-sometimes it gets filled up, sometimes it is emptied. The thing that I have come to learn about life is that it is a series of overlapping circles. I realize that everything is connected, and I wouldn't be here, in this moment, without a moment of past experience leading up to this point.

I found this from a post I wrote almost a year ago:

My life is hundreds of thousands of still frames, trying to capture my wild heart and ideas. My heart is not collecting dust.

So I encourage you, don't let your heart collect dust. Take a look back at your life circles. I'm just trying to show people what the most beautiful parts of my life are by taking photographs. By doing this, I hope others will show me their beautiful lives as well. I have hope that you won't give up.

Welcome to the Family.

2011-04-28T13:52:00.000-07:00

In the past couple weeks, I've been living impulsively. I have made decisions without thinking them through like I typically do (which terrifies me).

But life is short, and sometimes it pays off to be impulsive.

I had a bad day on Monday. It was long, it was tedious, it was full of things that made my soul drown in sorrow. So..

I made a little trip.

And purchased 7 chicks.

These two Long Island Red's are named Simon and Garfunkel. They are pretty much twins, and the only way to tell their difference is Garfunkel is a bit more fluffy and talks less than Simon. They are quite a pair.

This one above is named Elephant (Nori's chick). She is much smaller than the rest, so delicate and doesn't like to be cuddled. She is an independent lady, at that!

My poor little Jalapeño. The first night we got her, she was the smallest of the bunch and the most talkative. We ran out of the house to purchase a heat lamp and when we returned, she was close to the verge of death. I held her in front of the heat lamp for 20 minutes while frying my fingertips. She is now alive and kicking and will grow up to be so sassy- I just know it.

Duck is my absolute favorite. She sits in my hand and presses up against my face when I listen to her talk. She will sleep in my hands, neck or pocket- whichever one looks most comfortable and warm. She is the little song of my soul.

Rick is Heidi's chick. He has quite the personality, as we found out very quickly after we brought him home. He likes to dig in the food and talks as loudly as he can when someone walks in the door.

Last but not least is the poor unnamed chick. She talks quite a bit when she is separated from the group. Our new house crew:

3 girls

2 dogs

1 rabbit

1 guinea pig

1 cat

7 chicks

zoo.

It turned out to be a good impulsive decision. They have been an excellent stress reliever for the end of the year when things seem to all be colliding. Collision is always an interesting thing. Recently, it's like many different knots of my life have all become one big, seemingly overwhelming knot. I'm trying to have faith that this will all come to pan itself out.

In other news, I got asked to put a photograph of my choice that will stand along with a little plaque in the new Lowepro office. I'm so proud to be associated with this wonderful company, and I'm extremely flattered that they are willing to have me as part of the team.

*as a note for this music choice...I saw these guys live last night. It was a small room in our student center and they played acoustic for us while we sat on couches- hands down one of the best live shows I've been to. Seriously, check them out.

Be the best you can be. Live impulsively from time to time.

buried in a haystack.

2011-04-13T19:27:00.000-07:00

"What is it about traveling to foreign places and inhabiting other spaces that is so alluring to those who can't sit still but must keep forever moving, jumping on and off trains, buses, breathing in takeoff anxiety, breathing out yes, I made it, I'm gone, off, away, this time to..."

How to live life slowly and thoughtfully:

-Make art and love it:

- Spend some time laughing:

- Drink coffee slowly.

- Sit in front of the wood burning stove and listen to my roommates play music in the morning while drinking tea.

- There are many.

More than anything, I've been trying to slow down. Remember. Think things through. Spend more time doing things carefully than rushing through just to get them done. Loving movement and concentrating on breathing. All these things are carefully thought through and not buried in rush.

I got to sit and talk to my dad over coffee and good food at a local diner. He told my roommate, Heidi, and I stories of adventures and traveling mis-haps. We laughed a lot and I always find myself asking for more stories, wanting more time to spend listening. He is a wise man, and someone who I admire more than I have words to express.

I went out to take photographs today because this song inspired so much emotion. I forgot it was Sunday, and the field is near a church. People kept driving on the road, watching me take photos, and I felt really self conscious and finally left after only twenty minutes.

Not having internet at home has allowed for a lot of time for things that matter, such as art. I haven't picked up pencils in years, and out of nowhere, the need to have something tangible on paper grew. I'm working on a drawing of Patagonia, Half Dome, and others. I'll post them when they are finished. It's nice to finally feel inspired to do things that are artistic. I've been incredibly moved to take photographs, write music, draw, paint, and write.

I'm really, really looking forward to the end of the year.

Time flies

2011-04-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

A lot of stuff has happened in the past week.

Enough has happened, that I feel like my life has dramatically changed, and all doors to the future have been pushed wide open.

First of all, we adopted a baby bunny whose name is Shackleton. He is probably one of the cutest things you will ever see, and he even curls up next to your neck when he sleeps. Melts my heart.

In this same weekend, I went on a photo shoot with my new Lowepro camera bag with my friend John Lloyd. John is a friend from Boulder, who I met on a climbing trip to Tensleep this past summer. I don't have a whole lot of photos of me shooting pictures/with my camera, so this was a fun opportunity to get some really quality stuff done by a good friend. It was a good time, it snowed hard, and we listened to bluegrass music all the way to location and back.

After the photo shoot, it was back to a week of school reality. It was a killer week as far as homework goes, and I had a lot of stuff on my mind, waiting for grants to come through for our team. That day, I had heard that a friend of mine was in a bad ski accident and was in the ICU. Just a day after that, I found out that I was awarded the National Geographic Young Explorer's Grant for our team's trip to Sumatra. It was a day full of lots of tears and laughs, as there was a big mix of anxiety, fear, excitement, opportunity, and happiness.

All of these events remind me how quickly that life has been moving. I always seem to be chasing, when maybe I just need to settle for a couple days. When life moves at such a quick pace, I tend to forget how fragile it is.

I drove home from Boulder, and saw that the snow was blowing off of the top of the peaks of the Rockies. I pulled off the highway and started driving down a dirt road to chase the light.

Life is short and fragile. I forget this a lot.

It takes 2 seconds for your life to change for the better or the opposite.

I need to slow down and take time to appreciate where my life is going.

My friend is out of the hospital, and I got to spend some time talking to him and his wonderful girlfriend today. I thoroughly enjoyed my time just sitting and hanging out. Not rushing to a meeting or a class, just enjoying.

We leave for Indonesia in 3 months.

And I will try my best to slow down.

it's been a long while

2011-03-24T20:43:00.000-07:00

The past couple weeks if nothing else, have assured me of a couple things. Coffee should be sipped slowly in the morning. You should cook your own food, and while the smells drift through the window, you should be outside, barefoot, and laughing with friends. Adventures should be unplanned. And musical instruments and conversation should replace televisions.

My trip to the South was pretty great. After spending the week before talking all business and future plans, it was nice to disappear for awhile. I only knew two people in Louisiana, and I felt like I could hide in the heat, away from talks of future. And that's exactly what I did. I tried not to make too much communication to people other that posting photos, and we whirled around the great state, taking photographs and talking in deep conversation.

We took a day trip to Mississippi too- with the sole purpose of getting lost. I took a walk by myself and while I was walking along the beach, I saw a sting ray in the water and sat and watched it for awhile. We found an abandoned ship and pier, full of spider webs in the corners and grass twice as tall as I am. We would turn down a highway, just to see what was there. We found an abandoned house lot, with just the tennis courts left. Further in the lot, there were steps to an old house, covered in vines and looking like something out of an old dusty book story. Everywhere we went that was abandoned, we all tiptoed around, giving the place and the people who used to be there, the utmost respect. We found a town where there were more antique stores than restaurants and an old abandoned snow cone stand.

I ate a lot of good seafood, and didn't worry about the calories that were stacking up. It was nice to just settle. And as soon as I started to learn my way around the town, I got anxious to pick up something different and be somewhere that I could get lost again, just to find my way. I visited people and places in NOLA that I had shot photographs of back in October, and I'm happy to say that things are progressing! On our last night in New Orleans, we stayed up late playing music in an empty room with vault ceilings. 3 guitars, 5 voices, barefeet and order-in Chinese food.

After the three weeks of travel I had just had, I was feeling anxious for home. The person two seats from me got sick on the airplane, and it was immediately time to get home, and quickly.

I returned home, reunited with the puppy dog, and slept for a long time, woke up and started school. It was mad chaos trying to get everything organized and ready to go, and to be honest, I haven't quite recovered yet. But while I was sitting in class on Monday morning after having 3 weeks of ridiculously good travel, I realized how uncomfortable I was in school.

I know a lot of people have strong opinions about taking time off school. More people, it seems, have a strong opinion about me not taking a break. It's interesting to see what people have told me I'm going to fail, and which ones say, "this is your life, and I trust you will do what's right for you."

So this is how I've been living for the past week. I know that this is the time to take time off, and trust me, I've thought about the consequences. What I need most from other people is to know that I have support and trust, that I'm making the right choices for my life based on my life experiences.

I have a good friend in town this weekend, and it's a funny thing... I didn't realize how much I really needed to be taken care of and listened to, until it occurred. There has been lots of late night talking about things that I've needed to voice for awhile. It's definitely nice to have someone around that has just sat and listened for hours while I talk my mind. We are moving in to our new house, tearing out carpet and tearing off wallpaper until our eyes only see the pattern that is printed. Finally, we are in the final stages of painting. We are in the home stretch now!!

I'm sorry I've been a terrible blogger, but much has been going on. I'll write again soon. I hope the wind is carrying you away to somewhere beautiful.

The coasts

2011-03-10T21:39:00.001-08:00

There are sometimes in your life where it feels like you are experiencing something from the outside, looking in.

I was flying in a plane back to Colorado on Monday morning. It was an early flight, and I slept on the plane. I woke up and looked out the window, and I could see the Rocky Mountains poking their heads out of a blanket of milky-blue clouds. The plane turned, and the earth seemed to bend beneath me. It was a moment of pure beauty and realization that everything fell into place this trip. I grew a lot, a lot of little steps in all of the right directions.

This trip for me was a affirmation that there are very like-minded people to me everywhere. The man I met on the airplane and I talked about the ignorance of many Americans who travel, and the beauties of experiencing cultures separate from our own. The woman I met on the way to San Diego on the airplane worked in a home for the Untouchables in Calcutta, India. And then a friend and I stayed with 3 couchsurfing hosts in San Diego who made us laugh uncontrollably. We stayed up late listening to stories around a fire outside and then went to the beach at 1 in the morning. It was a wonderful experience, and it's very safe to say that we are going to continue our couchsurfing adventures. I thoroughly recommend this to people. (plus it's free.)

I was young when my dad once told me that he and my Uncle would try a lot of different things until they found something that they were above average at. If they found that they were just average, they would quit. They wanted something that made them extraordinary. I grew up with this mindset. I don't believe in quitting everything, but I believe that there are some things that set people apart from others, and I feel pretty lucky to be surrounded by these people. Throughout this trip there were people I met that screamed "above average."

I crave this feeling of living a transient lifestyle when I'm away from it. The idea of not really belonging to anywhere or anyone, just living a life outside of anywhere in particular. I love drifting, moving, changing, anything that progresses and propels my life forward. I cried some happy tears on the way back to Wyoming that morning after I got off the plane. It was because it's hard to believe that this type of fulfilling happiness exists somewhere. It was even harder to believe that I get to experience it on a consistent basis through my travels and adventures.

I feel lucky.

I feel like I need to keep my life moving.

So, let's go to New Orleans.

to move

2011-02-25T09:35:00.000-08:00

There are two incidents that I have experienced in the past week that I want to talk about. First of all, when I was stressing out this morning about my guest teaching at an Elementary School, I went for coffee. I spend every Friday and Sunday morning in this coffee shop and order the same thing. What I love about Fridays is that there is hardly anyone here. People come and go but it's quiet and I can do work without seeing a bunch of people I know. Today, in the midst of my coffee order, the barista told me that someone bought a gift card for someone who came in to the coffee shop today. I ended up only paying for my bagel because someone had purchased a coffee for someone had wanted to make a stranger's day. My day was made, and it reminded me to pay it forward. So I'm going to try to do a couple nice things for people today.

The second 'pay it forward' example I saw was yesterday afternoon. I was in a computer lab on campus when a woman came in with a small baby. She sat down at the computer and was obviously trying to get work done but her babe was pretty restless. It was an obvious struggle, and a girl sitting behind me went over and asked her if she could hold her daughter so she could get some work done. The mother had a relieved look on her face and was able to be productive for a couple minutes. Generosity and little sacrifices like this make me extremely happy and have a lot of faith in the world around me. Just thought I would share.

The next thing I want to talk about is creativity and inspiration. The funny thing about inspiration is that it moves me so much that I get frustrated. It's something that I have been forced to balance: the need to move and travel for creativity, and the need to have something stable. It's not that I'm unhappy when I feel this, I just know when I'm in one place too long, I feel like my life is just sitting and my heart gets dusty. I see a lot of my friend circle getting to travel and experience the rest of the world and a part of my heart starts out of envy. I understand that there is a reason why I'm supposed to be here, now. But that doesn't stop the ongoing cycle of the desire to move. I have to wonder if I'll ever find a balance among this; if the need to constantly be moving will subside. I believe it's also a bit selfish, you know. That it is always my desire to move. And what will make me happy. I live a very solo lifestyle. A lot of people don't understand it. And a lot of people can't keep up with it. I don't blame them, it's chaotic sometimes and you learn to adapt quickly. But I will never sit in an office at a 9-5 job and I will never feel comfortable in a cubicle. I feel like when my soul is happy and fulfilled, I can be a more productive person to the world. When I'm shooting photos, it's the happiest and most fulfilling thing I can be doing with my time. And who can deny you of that?

Trip Report: NOLA (Part 2)

2011-02-13T11:46:00.000-08:00

After city park, we realized how hungry we were, so we made our way over to a poboy restaurant by a cemetery. I've never had a poboy sandwich in my life, but let me just tell you. I am a big, big fan. As I was ordering, the woman behind the counter, May, started asking me about why I was in the city. As I explained the project to her, she told me that her and her husband, Yang, would be happy to talk to me about the hurricane. I ate while Yang talked to me about their experience about the storm. Her husband explained to me that they decided to stay in their restaurant for the period of the storm. As soon as the hurricane was over, they emerged from their shop, and everything was destroyed. He said it was the scariest thing he has ever experienced in his life, and I witnessed the deepness of the terror in his eyes while he said this. They thought they were the only living beings, and their moving around was the only sound that they heard. No birds, no cars, no wind. Just quiet.

I listened, thanked them and then asked to take their photograph. (Yang and May- owners of Yang's Poboy) As we were getting up to leave, two men sitting at a table behind me mentioned that they overheard my project. They introduced themselves both as Mike and that they were both contractors for houses, doing storm repair. I boldly asked if I could see a before and an after house, and they said they would show me as much as they could. We excitedly jumped in the car and drove to the "After" house.

The same hardwood floors that were in there before, but they redid everything else. It was a beautiful house. After taking a short tour, we were on to the "Before" house. When we arrived there, Mike handed me a flashlight. "Breathe into your shirt, or don't breathe deep. Don't touch anything. Remember, someone used to call this a home." The pool outside was covered up to ground level with grass and Mike told us that there was hurricane debris inside of it. I asked if there could be a body buried in this debris. He slowly nodded and I felt sick to my stomach. As we entered the house, most of the bottom floor had been stripped of its walls. A lone faucet and shower head stood in the midst of everything. Seaweed was hanging from the ceiling above the door, and the whole house was hot and reeked of mold. He took us upstairs and before we entered the old tenant's bedroom, he explained to us that things were virtually untouched since the storm.

Once we walked in the bedroom door, my breath was gone. The guy's deodorant, comb, hairdryer, cigarettes and ash tray, and clothes were exactly where he had left them. Mike explained to us that this man that had lived here gathered up 3 bags of clothes and tried to leave. And didn't make it back. I found negatives on the floor, and tears welled in my eyes as I held them up and a perfect image of a girl smiling was displayed in front of me. I had no idea whoo this was, but she was obviously important to him. We left the house and I couldn't believe what I had just seen. The storm just became very very real to me, and there were ghosts of Katrina everywhere I went.

Katherine and I made our way to the lake, and as we were walking along the steps of the edges, it started to rain. Driving back into the city, I noticed grates in the highway to drain water quickly. It wasn't raining hard, but there was a ton of water.

We went home that night and I was feeling the weight of this storm. There was so much left untouched, and it was a lot to handle. That night, we met up with a friend of a friend, Katie, at Cafe du Monde, which I am now obsessed with. We shared Cafe Au Laite's and beignets while we talked about the day.

Before I left, with a huge help from some friends from National Geographic, I had gotten in touch with the photographer, Tyrone Turner (www.tyronefoto.com) who shot the Hurricane story for the magazine. He had given me the name of a guy, Robert Green, who he thought might be able to help me understand the rebuilding process. I called Robert, and he said that he would meet us that afternoon and show us around the neighborhood of the Lower 9th Ward, a place that due to a break in the barge, flooded more than much of the city.

We decided to drive around the lower 9th ward area, and we visited the only park that is currently up, which was completely controlled by solar power (it was awesome). We played in the park for about 30 minutes and then went to lunch. After lunch, we were driving back into the city when I saw an old abandoned church. I asked to pull over, and we went exploring inside. The carpet had been ripped out, but the pews had served as an obvious bed for those who needed it some nights. Stain class shadows left colorful squares on the floors and a huge mural of Jesus with his arms around New Orleans was painted at the very front. We walked around in the church, and then looked around at an abandoned Christian Academy right next to it. It was hauntingly beautiful, as chandeliers still hung from the ceiling, above the black mold and broken glass covering the floors.

Driving around the lower 9th ward in the morning, in the car was Katie, myself, Katherine and her roommate Melanie (Thank you Melanie, a hundred times over, for the use of your car.) As we were driving around the neighborhood, we found houses without walls, but with light switches still attached, railroad tracks that led to nowhere, puddles of water that perfectly reflected houses and then we found Helen. As we drove our car past, a very cute old woman waved at us from her porch. I thought how photogenic her wrinkles were and how much I wanted to talk to her. We pulled over and started talking to her. Helen was 90 years old and full of sass. She was definitely one of a kind, and embodied old New Orleans culture. Sweet smells drifted from her kitchen and she talked about how all of her neighbors were going to wonder why she was talking to "all these white girls." It wasn't said as a racist comment, but more so of an observation. She told us about her experience with the storm, and agreed to let me take her photo. When I gave her my information and told her that she could find me on the internet, she asked if the internet was something on the television.

We then visited Robert Green. He was probably the most inspiring person I've met on this trip by far. He invited us in to his Make It Right home in the Lower 9th ward and the rest of the girls played with his grandson, Everett, while I talked to him. Robert lived in a FEMA trailer for 3 years before his house was built by Brad Pitt's organization (www.makeitrightnola.org). Robert told us his story as he walked around the neighborhood. When the storm hit, his mother, who he lived with, was very sick. They tried to leave in their car for Baton Rouge, but sat in traffic for 7 hours before deciding to turn back. After turning back, they tried to go to the Superdome but got turned away due to lack of space. They went back to their house, and had to break their attic ceiling onto their roof because their house was flooding. The water picked up their roof and carried it 200 yards down the road to a tree. The roof hit the tree, and when it broke, Robert lost both his mother and his 3 year old granddaughter. Tears filled both his and our eyes as he recounted this story, and he walked us to the tree. I asked him, "how has this storm made you a better person?" And he told me, "It's no use hoping for my granddaughter or mother back. Hoping that will do nothing for me. I can appreciate all the moments I had with them, but I now appreciate every moment I have with my grandson and my family." I have to sincerely thank both Robert and Tyrone for helping make this trip successful. Robert explained a picture he had of the barge breaking into the lower 9th, which caused the neighborhood to flood. If the government had moved the barge, like they were supposed to, it would have prevented much of the flooding, and might have saved hundreds of people's lives.

We left Robert's house fulfilled. I parted ways with Katherine and Melanie and Katie and I went to dinner in the French Quarter, where my hotel was. Despite my dislike of shrimp, I accidently ordered a bowl of barbeque shrimp for dinner. Since it was my last night in NOLA, and neither one of us had ever had our fortune's told, we decided to go do that in Jackson square. We sat down with Madame Teresa who had Mardi Gras beads on the table and fake candles on her table, sitting in a lawn chair. I had told Katie beforehand (since I'm a little afraid of flying) that I have always been scared to get my fortune told because I never wanted a death card, and especially because I was flying the next day, if I got a card that predicted my death, I was going to flip. As Madame Teresa told us to draw cards, the first card I turned over was a guy, laying on the ground with seven swords stuck in his back. As I verbally started panicking, Katie laughed uncontrollably and Madame Teresa told me that it wasn't a death card, but that I need to "watch for backstabbers." We left the table and giggled all the way back home.

NOLA, overall was an incredible trip for me. Everyone that I met, shared experiences with, let me photograph them, etc, made the trip both beautiful and haunting. I have shared all these photos with you in order to show you an accurate depiction of my trip, so please refrain from downloading them. Thank you for reading my story. Half of the proceeds from the photos I sold in the gallery here, went to the Make It Right Foundation, and the same will be true with any of the Ghosts of Katrina photos bought off of my website. We can continue to rebuild this city. I owe a huge, HUGE thank you to these people:

University of Wyoming (specifically Michael L. and Sarah B.)

Gallery 234

Katheryn

Melanie M.

Katie B.

Jennifer O. and family

Cary B.

Mike D.

Helen O.

Chris M.

Connor N.

Nori N.

Robert Green

Tyrone Turner

Rebecca Martin

Sadie Quarrier

Pete Hill
and finally, Lowepro Camera Bags.

I sincerely appreciate all of your help and support through this project. I can't wait to return to New Orleans. My question, "Why would you return?" was answered at the end of this project. The food, the people, the culture, the music. It is all unique and beautiful. New Orleans is unlike anywhere else in the world. And it's just the feeling you get when you go there that keeps you wanting to come back.

Trip Report: NOLA (Part 1)

2011-02-08T18:01:00.000-08:00

After my recent post about my lack of a trip report for my New Orleans trip, I received a couple messages from various people encouraging me to write one. So here it goes!

I found out I was leaving for NOLA on my birthday in September. I have never been thrust into a situation where I felt so unprepared, and plus, I only knew one person there. I sent out probably 30 emails to various people around the country, asking for their support in finding myself a ride from the airport, people to take me around, people to talk to, etc. The immense amount of responses and compassion I found was so incredible. I eventually got in touch with a family there, a friend of a friend, and an old friend who I hadn't seen in years. So one and a half weeks after I learned that I had gotten the grant to go, I departed for the city.

My first twenty minutes in New Orleans made me quickly realize that I had never experienced diversity in this type of setting before. My skin color has never made me a minority in my life, and suddenly I was in a situation where this was the only thing that I could see: a separation and a difference. "Uncomfortable" isn't the word that I would use to describe this feeling, but it's something that I believe everyone should experience at least once in their lives. It was a paradigm shift, and I was grateful for it.

Walking down Bourbon Street from my hotel with my friend Katherine who I hadn't seen for years, I was made aware of the culture instantly. In Laramie, the bars are the only places open past 11 PM which was not the case here. Everything was open, there were lights and colors and people pouring out onto the streets. We sat down at the bar and got ourselves some seafood to go, when I got a call from the family that I was directed to before I left. As soon as we ate, we were off with them for frozen yogurt at a delicious little shop. We talked about the hurricane and everything that I wanted to see and do and visit.

The next day, I woke up ready to go. We had a quick stop by a coffee shop by Tulane while Katherine ran to a meeting. I wandered around the school, and stopped under this tree with an insane amount of Mardi Gras beads hanging off of it's branches. I think this is when I realized how important culture is to this city. It's not a "party" city, it dawned on me that this is a city that enjoys celebrating their mixing pot of culture and food. Tulane was a beautiful campus and I was told that it was not touched by flooding at all. We drove away from the old building structures and big rooted trees and started driving out from the city.

Very quickly, things turned empty. When I say this, I mean to say that buildings turned into shells with broken windows, and houses turned into shipwrecks.

I was amazed how much work had not been done to clean these things up. People lived next to this and walked past the black mold everyday. Sidewalks became covered with vines and weeds and there was so much abandonment. I learned after the trip, that many people didn't have the choice to come back. The amount of money and manpower that it takes to tear these things down is unrealistic.

We tried talking to some people working on a house about the storm, but I realized how difficult it was to start up a conversation with people. Hurricane Katrina, for many people is associated with a lot of hurt, loss and grief. And for going up to talk to complete strangers, many people's defenses go up immediately.

So we drove back through the city, winding through city roads and highways. We passed the Superdome, which if you watched the news when the Hurricane was happening, was the place where thousands of people lived in unbelievable conditions for an unbelievable amount of time. This was five years after the storm, and it was pretty symbolic for me to see the Superdome being resided and renewed. We made our way to City Park to check out some trees that I was told had lichen lines growing around them. The thought is that when the toxic water floated through City Park, it killed the lichen, which is now growing back in distinct rings around the trees there. We made small talk with a couple people, and my main question I was trying to answer was, "Why would you come back here?"

Not being from New Orleans, or not spending more than the past 12 hours there, I couldn't understand why people would come back to a bowl shaped city that could fill with water again any minute. No one could tell me a straight answer, all they could say is that New Orleans just had...a feeling to it.

We also chased pigeons through the park.

I was starting to panic a little because we hadn't talked to anyone that would let me photograph them, let alone talk in depth about the storm to a complete stranger. I felt really unprepared and discouraged, and I was starting to get pessimistic that I would be able to fulfill the requirements for this trip at all. To bring back 25 gallery images in only 2 full days in a new city seemed like an unrealistic expectation.

A beautiful day.

2011-02-06T16:09:00.001-08:00

I went on a lot of photo shoots today. Two to be exact.

One was fun, playful, heart warming. I went out with three ladies I haven't gotten to spend very much time with yet, and we toughed it out in the snow. I am more than ready for summer to come. It's so much easier to shoot photos when you don't have to de-layer 5 jackets to get ready for the picture. It was so fun to relax, take fun photos of wonderful people and not take anything seriously.

The other shoot I went on was beautiful. So beautiful, in fact, I caught myself tearing up a couple times at the sheer beauty and talent that I was surrounded by. My friend, Lucas, played this song on his cello:

And my friend Krina danced however she felt moved to while he played. I tried to hold the camera and document everything but there were just moments where I could do nothing but stop and take the moment in. I'm so happy they chose to let me be a part of this collaboration and I'm so proud of both of their many talents they continue to amaze me with.

New Orleans

2011-02-05T14:25:00.000-08:00

I was in the midst of grant writing today when a song came on my Pandora station. Somewhere in the heart of work, I sometimes forget what we are actually writing our grants for. I know that seems so ridiculous, but it's a deep hole where you loose yourself in sentence structure, punctuation and persuasiveness. Once I take a step back from the grammar, I remember why we are writing this, why we want to go to Indonesia, and for a couple minutes, I allow myself to think about the possibility of us actually getting to travel there.

I've been so caught up in the actual writing process (we have been spending almost 6 hours a day writing these for our Wednesday deadline), that I took off work and sometimes school to concentrate on this. I slept in yesterday until almost noon, which I rarely ever do. This morning I woke up early, went for a run and then dropped into the coffee shop to work on more grant planning. As I was sitting, feeling uninspired and burnt out on writing and editing, a song from my New Orleans video came on. I got tears in my eyes, as it reminded me of why I'm passionate about this in the first place. It was refreshing enough that I got some work done and I uploaded this video so those of you that couldn't see it before, can now view it. Big thanks to Connor for helping me put this together.

I miss this place and all that the inspiration it gives me. I know I never did a NOLA trip report on this blog, and frankly, I'm not sure I can sum up my experiences enough to justify the trip. It was such a heartbreaking, life changing experience, I don't know that I can list all of the things I've learned.

Saving the world.

2011-02-01T20:27:00.000-08:00

"So you think you can save the world, ma'am?"

Lee, a homeless hitchhiker asked me this when we were talking about my Social Work major at the coffee shop on Wednesday. The conversation itself was enough to make me consider my sanity in even talking to him, as throughout the discussion he brought up having a really violent past, made incredibly racist comments, and at one point I thought he was going to pull a gun out of his jacket (seriously). But I tried to look past the obvious lack of personal hygiene and smell of whiskey coming out of his pores. I think in a lot of cases, these people more than anything, just want to be listened to. So I sat and listened.

When I said I was studying Social Work, he called me an idealist.

I don't believe I can save the world. But I think I can be a change. I think I can do this by being a positive person, and encouraging others to do the same. I don't think I would label myself as an idealist, but I believe in humanity.

The conversation ended and we parted ways, only to have him bring back an elk foot into the coffee shop (he said he was planning on eating it) and then he was asked to leave. It was an interesting day but it made me consider how I plan on changing the world.

I want to:

connect with people, connect with you, show you a photograph and have you fall in love with it, have it tug on your heart strings, have it remind you of something or someone you once loved and be happy.

I want to:

travel and bring back tangible memories that allow those who couldn't be a part of it, be a part of it.

I want to:

shed light on issues that are concerning the world in a positive and hopeful way to spark change.

I want to:

love people regardless of their age, skin color, sexual orientation, beliefs, or disabilities. I want to love people unconditionally and wholeheartedly.

I want to:

be your friend.

I want to:

continue to have a positive attitude.

I want to:

leave something behind in the world that will leave people happy and inspired.

I hope I can accomplish all of these. I miss summer, I miss warm weather. I miss being able to collect my hair at the back of my neck and walk through the grass with bare feet. I miss what it felt like to be too warm and to wish for air conditioning. I miss seeing flowers alive and trees with leaves. Here are some photos that have never been shared.

bosler, wyoming and ships

2011-01-29T11:59:00.000-08:00

The weekend finally came and I couldn't have been more grateful.

I've been dreaming about ships for the past 4 days. I'm not sure what this is a reflection of, other than change. In my dreams the water is really grey and I'm either on them on watching them sail. I can look out and see the line of the horizon and things are always calm and the sun is setting over the sounds of the water washing on the boat. I've been really happy in these dreams, because I've been seeing people who have passed away. I am aware that can sound odd to some people, but it's comforting to me. It's nice to be able to see them in a state of pure happiness.

In one of the dreams, a friend of mine told me that if I didn't pursue photography that I would be neglecting the world. As soon as he said this, I looked over my shoulder and saw my Uncle nod at me. It was a pretty powerful vision and when I woke up I was content with my life and where it is going.

But last night, I had a dream that I was sailing in the darkest blue water I've seen. I was on the ship when the front end started flooding and slowly it started sinking. The water got higher and and higher and I could feel myself being lowered into the depths. I attribute this dream to feeling overwhelmed. I've been trying to take it easy on my mind because it feels pretty overworked. I've taken really, really long walks the past two days and also tromped around the woods just a tiny bit. It has been so warm here for the past couple days, my mood has been significantly better.

I got some things off my mind today. I danced around the house this morning and cooked myself some breakfast that made me feel good. I loaded some film in my film camera and shot a couple photos and looked back through some old photos that made me remember things that I loved. Then, I was whisked off to take some photos with some really wonderful and photogenic people. We ran around in fields and looked in old buildings with cracking paint, broken glass, old shoes, and tattered couches with loose springs. It did a lot of good for the heart.

sunshine

2011-01-26T16:51:00.001-08:00

I've been feeling pretty delicate lately.

I haven't been getting enough sleep and I've been working consistently, trying to juggle writing grants, going to school and working 2 jobs- I have hardly anytime for climbing or any sort of enjoyable thing.

I think the only word I fit right now is 'fragile.' I feel like at any moment things get overwhelming, and I catch myself feeling like I'm sinking. I have a lot of really, really good people in my life who have been my life support in the past 3 weeks since school started.

Today is the first day of the past 3 weeks that I haven't had something to do. Starting tomorrow it will get busy again until the weekend. So today, when the light hit the most beautiful spot in the sky, I put on my best "almost spring" clothes and grabbed the keys. I love this river and I have spent a lot of time here. They put the nicest stones on the shore that makes me feel like I was in a book when I skipped over them. I sat and drank in the sunlight and really appreciated the time off.

I'm pretty tired of feeling like I barely made it through the week.

oh the travel bug.

2011-01-20T15:52:00.000-08:00

It was a hard week of school. I'm realizing how much time this semester is going to eat up. But I have some really, really great things planned in the next 2 months including returning to New Orleans and flying to San Diego for a friend's wedding. So when I have tough days like this, I jam out to this song above, make food with my best friends and take V to the windy, cold dog park. These things make me happier than almost anything.

There are two main things I would like to talk about. Both in which have been weighing heavily on my mind for the past week.

The first matter is something that I feel is worth mentioning. I have come to understand and appreciate that every artist is different. I think that is what makes art so beautiful, because it is an interpretation of what someone feels, believes and sees in the world. I truly, honestly, believe in sharing creativity through inspiration. And I truly, honestly, believe that people who steal that creativity are not artists at all and should not call themselves as such. Art is meant to be unique. It isn't unique when you take someone's feelings, beliefs and views of the world and claim them as your own. I have a lot of sympathy for people who steal someone's creativity, because it demonstrates their insecurity in their own ideas. Your ideas are not someone else's. So be proud of your individuality and own your uniqueness.

Ok, rant over. I needed to share that.

Second matter of business: traveling. I log on to facebook recently and every single day there are photos of my friends traveling abroad. Seriously. Nepal, Italy, Greece, England, and what seems like every country in Africa. I have been extremely envious looking through these photographs. I keep making up excuses for myself for not traveling and buying a plane ticket.

One of my greatest fears is also one of my greatest desires: to travel. There are so many things to be discovered, there are new places and new foods and new surroundings, completely. And in some ways, this really scares me. There are a lot of things that are pretty uncomfortable. But one of the best things about traveling is seeing the familiar in places that are not familiar at all. The other really, really good part about traveling is being able to collect memories to bring back. I'm feeling pretty lucky that I will be able to bring the back in such a visual and artistic way.

So over the course of the past year I've been making excuses of why I haven't been traveling. I'm ready to explore the world in new places and experience different cultures. So, yesterday I designed a "Around the World" ticket.

And it will be purchased.

2011-01-17T22:55:00.000-08:00

My desire to take photographs stems out of wanting to create something that matters.

2011-01-15T15:16:00.000-08:00

For right now, I don't have a lot words I'd like to write to you. I've just got photographs that talk. But some random little things I'd like to share:

I'd like to think that my self portraits are a visual journal of my days and moods. I get inspired by my emotions, whether it is happiness or freedom or loneliness or feeling hopeful, I try to reflect that.

I'm learning how deep rooted love is. I'm trying to give up some parts of this love and it's taking longer than I want to be uprooted and taken care of. It just feels like sinking sometimes.

I realize how much I thrive on sunlight. When it's cold and dark, my mood goes down significantly. I have sworn to myself that I will move into a house next year that has sunlight and is not in a basement.

I'm trying unbelievably hard not to give into loneliness. That isn't a pity call, it's just a statement. I've seen people form relationships out of the base of the lonely feeling and let's face it: it never turns out well. I am filling my time now with things that are more fulfilling and will last. Music, making food, editing and taking photos.

I'm not entirely sure that the people who live upstairs from me understand that the floors are paper thin. My chandelier is currently swinging back and forth due to what sounds like a basketball game going on.

I believe in a lot of little things like handwritten thank you notes.

Free coffee and heart shaped, handmade bagels.

Christmas cards sent a month late.

and incredible thrift store finds.

accidental photo of myself grinning past the point where it should stop.

You know those grins that take up too much of your face? Yep, this is one of 'em.

i am an Eskimo today.

growing up and kindness

2011-01-09T13:17:00.000-08:00

Looking back at photos and being at home for so long makes me miss being little. I have some really distinct memories of my childhood like wandering through the mountains with my dad through caves of aspen groves and hearing my mom's footsteps on the stairs every morning to wake me up for school. These are really comforting memories for me, and they feel safe and happy. Being home after living somewhere else is now very nostalgic, I forget little things that I saw everyday and that happened on a consistent basis. Time flies and I don't even know it until I'm on the other end, looking back. In some ways, remembering these sorts of things makes me sad because I know I'll never get those moments back. Each year I am getting older, and so are my parents, and so are my siblings.

But I think one of the best parts of growing up is being able to remember and grow. I have a great relationship with my parents, who are two of my best friends. They know me really, really well. And it's because I have been able to build that relationship with them. I admire them truly, because growing up is difficult (for both parties). One of the hardest things about it, I think, is letting go. I can't imagine how hard it is for them to hear me tell them that I want to travel to all these places that can be quite dangerous. Or when they left me for my first week at college, or even letting me make serious life choices. But yet they support me and allow me to keep growing through my experiences.

And let me tell you another really amazing part of growing up: connecting with strangers. I feel like I'm luckier than most, or maybe just more aware. I tend to come across really, really incredible people. When I locked myself out of my car a year ago, a very kind man and son picked me up, fed me dinner, and unlocked my car for me. When I was staying in a hostel this summer, I met a man that told me all about his college life when he was studying to be a lawyer, and how the process was the best part of becoming his dream profession. I saw a lot of passion in his eyes, and he truly enjoyed what he was doing. And the best yet, I was in Target the other day, feeling a little down and frustrated. I was standing in an isle when I heard uncontrollable laughing. I looked over and a man was standing in the card section, bent over laughing about a card. He wiped tears from his eyes and just kept going in to fits of laughter. He just looked at me and we both started laughing. It's nice to see someone that happy about something so simple. It's nice to share a moment like that with someone.

I think thats what I keep learning about life the more I grow up: the more simplistically I live, the more I notice happiness. Money complicates. Too many possessions crowd. When I break it down, it's the smallest things like hearing my mom's footsteps coming down the stairs to wake me up or listening to my dad tell me bits of stories about his mountain adventures that completely captivates me and makes me content. It's sharing the moments when laughter is contagious, even over a card that I didn't read. It's looking at someone as their complete whole, flaws and all, and loving them anyways. It is capturing an intimate moment in time with a camera, just to hold it in your hand. It's seeing the magnificent-ness in someone's soul.

Kindness is happiness, and I am going to try to live my life as a more kind person.

items

2011-01-02T19:24:00.000-08:00

Untie yourself from the ships that have been left in the harbor. They have sat for far too long and you can see the rings around the bottoms now; burnt orange in color and continuous along the sides. The stale watermarks are reminders of how caged they must feel, tethered to those posts with barnacles attached.

Unwrap yourself from the books with cracking spines. Can you do this without putting your damage on display? Gather up those jars from the windowsills and lay them out. Fill them with things that remind you of dust and weekend trips, silver bracelets around your wrists and dog eared photographs.

I will keep these memories in my pockets until it is time to let them go again.

----------

I wrote this yesterday, and I feel like it accurately describes all the feelings lately. I start school next week. And truthfully, I am terrified.

2010-12-31T13:47:00.000-08:00

some recent photos.

I have a terrible cold which is adding to my sleep deprivation

my old computer broke and so did my car.

The car is still functional but the computer is gone.

the last thing I need in my life is more broken things.

I need to do something positive for myself.

2011.

2010-12-28T08:25:00.000-08:00

It's important to feel something as strong as love.

I got a strong message about a year ago. It was loud and clear that this was something that I needed to work on. The message was:

Open your arms to love.

So I did. In the past year of my life I have tried to open my arms to all the love around me. Collect it, reciprocate it, hold on to it. If I have learned something in the past year though, is you can't control love. You can't try to tame it and keep it locked up. It is not something meant to be controlled.

The ends of years have always been sort of sentimental for me. It's a closure of sorts. One year ended is a start to a new one. There are 12 months to do meaningful somethings, to have adventures and to meet new people and experiences. So while I'm feeling my heart hurting at the end of this year, I also look back at the last 12 months of my life. I'm looking back and feeling proud. I am amazed at what I have accomplished and allowed myself to feel.

I forgave someone and made amends.

I have taken hundreds of thousands of photographs that involve light, people, things, emotions-difficult ones and light hearted ones. I'm proud of those.

I networked like a mad woman. My friend circle has significantly expanded, I'm grateful for those new friends and the old ones.

I was forced to grow up and face consequences of my actions. That was a hard one.

I became a coffee drinker.

I applied for multiple grants. I wrote a grant. One got accepted, one did not. In the long run, it was for the best that it didn't work out.

I found a roll of film I shot when I was 6.

I prayed. A lot.

I left my pride at home and I went trad climbing. I laughed at myself a lot.

I conquered one of my worst fears which was going back to Yosemite. I went, I stayed, I fell in love with the place. I understand why my Uncle loved it so much. I made peace.

I shot photographs of a wedding. That was incredible. The amount of love, family and connectivity I felt there. It was beautiful.

I was a leader for groups of girls in the back country. I fell in love with wildflowers and mountain meadows. I learned to like backpacking. I learned how to be confident in decisions and making them. I learned how to be by myself. That was huge.

I stayed in a hostel for the first time. I made conversations with random strangers and got to know people who had incredible life stories. I'm lucky.

I was a photo assistant on a river trip. I faced a fear of water and rafting after a previously scary experience. I voluntarily jumped in the river and swam along side the raft. This was a huge step. I left the trip feeling happy, fulfilled and grateful for such a rewarding experience. I learned a lot about commercial photography. I learned a lot.

I made a spur of the moment decision to drive 8 hours to see a best friend and finish the summer off well. I also made a spur of the moment decision for her to cut my hair at 2 in the morning with a pair of paper-cutting-scissors. That was entertaining.

For only having my license for one year (yep, I'm serious), I drove 4,000 miles by myself. Not proud of that carbon footprint, but I am proud of being able to sit alone with myself for that long. I brushed my teeth on the side of the road, bought an old feather mattress for $2.00 and took naps in the back of my car.

I was a teenager for the last time...ever.

I won a grant to fly to New Orleans and found out I want to do social justice photography for the rest of my life. I saw heartbreak and loss and people let me into their lives without knowing me. That was huge.

I lost people in my life.

I went on tour with The North Face for the second year in a row and got to work with amazing athletes and people again.

I can truly say I loved some people with my whole heart.

2010 was about learning to love. 2011 is learning about how to let it go and realize there is no control in it. There was a lot of "I" in those sentences. It's because I needed it; Today I needed to be proud of what I have accomplished in my life in the past 12 months. All of that could not have happened if I didn't have an open mind and heart about what I could do with my life. It's the end of a year. It was a good one. You should be proud about what you have done this year in the world. I'm proud of you.

My new years resolutions:

1. Be proud of who you are.

2. Learn to live without. Being alone isn't a bad thing. Being with someone isn't always a good thing. But it's important to be able to live your life and be comfortable being alone.

3. Take care of yourself. Do whats good for you. This is your life, your time, your emotions. Don't waste your time on things that aren't going to benefit you. Don't rent your mind space to someone who doesn't deserve it.

Today I'm going to do things that are good for me. When my heart hurts, I do things to make it fulfilled. That means a day full of photographs. Bring on the healing.

Kids (Mgmt Cover)

2010-12-24T23:04:00.000-08:00

Nori and I finally recorded a song. The words aren't right in the middle....but that's okay. Enjoy :)

Happy holidays, friends!

a lot of learning

2010-12-19T17:20:00.001-08:00

I use the word wholeheartedly a lot. I try to live my life according to this, making every good intention wholehearted. There are a lot of things that fill my soul to the brim, and I can honestly say that make my heart whole. I've also spent the past year of my life learning how to be comfortable being by myself.

I was once told that that is one of the most important things you can learn, and I have to agree. I drove over 4,000 miles by myself this summer and there were times that I was really uncomfortable spending so much time without anyone. After a heartbreak, it was good to figure out where I was with myself. I talked to myself a lot (which sounds creepy, but I bet you do it more than you think), trying to form my thoughts into words and figure out who I

was, who I wanted to be, my goals and dreams. I would roll down my windows on the highway and sing so loud that I would start laughing at myself because I knew I looked and was acting ridiculous. But this was needed. I had to put things back into perspective.

But I am in a different place now, and I am forgetting how to be by myself. Starting that process over again, or keeping it up is hard.

So here it goes: an effort to relearn what I knew so well a couple months ago.

We are different people than we were just a month ago. We are constantly changing and adapting. Give yourself some credit for the things you have accomplished.

I was thinking about it today, my life has been a series of overlapping circles. Where I think one ends, another one actually begins and that happens over and over again.

How wonderful is it that my 19th year of life ended and began the 20th year with a trip to New Orleans, which changed my life. Not only the trip, but the people I've met, the things I have experienced, the parts that made me cry and finally, the end of one circle. As we come to the end of this calendar year, I am ecstatic for the adventures and wholehearted things I will experience in the next year.

Learn how to be by yourself. It's not always enjoyable, but you will love yourself for it. Heartbreak is inevitable. It's a battle, but you've won when you can realize it's made you a better one for experiencing it.

2010-12-14T20:02:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to be really honest. My feelings, thoughts, words--all things that I'm attempting to make better and more whole.

It's easy to miss.

Little things that have been really inspiring to me lately:

Honest words about difficult life things.

Bones: collarbones, cheekbones, hip bones, back bones.

Driving by myself.

Remembering good moments.

Open fields full of snow dusted sage.

Hard conversations.

Losing.

Remembering being barefoot.

Loneliness.

God.

Loving.

Big trees with Christmas lights.

Smiling.

Suspenders and high heels (see above photo).

All of these things have been somehow mixed into my life and creating a swell of emotional waves. Throughout this break it will be good to just...be. It will be good to concentrate on simple things.

I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season!

all about love.

2010-12-13T09:28:00.001-08:00

Its been a whirlwind of events in my life. School is finished up, finals and all. I've been doing housework for the last 3 days among spending quality time with people I love before we all separate ways for the next month.

It's been a lot of learning lessons built up in these couple days, all revolving around love. I did a family photo shoot the other day, two people obviously head over heels for each other, and an engagement photo shoot for one of my best friends. Both sets were full of that heart warming, 100% complete love. Whew, it made me tear up a bit. It's something about this season, remembering to hold people closer, give more kisses, hug everyone, love regardless.

Here are some of the wonderful people I got to shoot:

Bluebird wings.

2010-12-06T21:40:00.000-08:00

I have lost a lot of people in my life, unfortunately. But for almost every close friend or family member that has passed, almost immediately after, I see the same bird figure. This happened starting with my Uncle's accident. I picked up a book with birds on the front to start writing down people's favorite stories about him. Ever since this, I have seen the exact same birds.

on television.

in movies.

in friend's houses.

everywhere after a friend passes.

So a couple months after I noticed I see the birds, I found this verse...

"He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection."- Psalms 91:4

It reminds me that I'm being protected, I have the reminder that I'm not by myself.

That I'm not alone.

It's not me against the world.

Or the world against me.

That I have powerful forces on my side. Literally.

It is a mountain bluebird because they can't be contained. They need wide open spaces with lots of places to roam. If I was any sort of creature, I would be this bird. Our personalities match, I wander and get anxious if I feel contained.

It is flying towards my heart on my left side because I wanted this protection somewhere that felt close.

I love this. So much.

And it hurt like hell.

This is my last tattoo. (Thank you Meghan -www.rollingtattoo.com) It is one that means something so much to me, and I'm so happy it's on me forever.

I hope you all did something wonderful and meaningful with your day as well.

Also, it was my best friend's birthday. I'm so blessed to have these sorts of people in my life. To Nori Javalina, thank you for inspiring everyday.

I have really talented friends.

2010-12-03T17:03:00.000-08:00

I know a man who is one of the most talented musicians I know.

He can write brilliant, soulful songs in the blink of an eye.

He reminds me that we all need to take time to look into our souls and make sure we are doing what we love.

And he is a wonderful, wonderful person.

To you, my friend.

Here is a little taste of the wonderful music he creates:

Keep your head up, it'll be good.

letting it go.

2010-11-28T22:38:00.000-08:00

This trip to San Diego was (for me) focused on learning to let things go. I struggle with this constantly, as I feel really comfortable being in control. So I jetted off to a place as far west as you can go in the United States. I've been feeling so low on self confidence and the right words to say, I hope this is a fraction of what people have shared with me lately.

First of all, it was freezing cold. I wore my down jacket for about 95% of the time there.

I wanted to be alone, to take a quiet walk and think about all these things that have been swimming in my brain. I forgot how well I travel by myself. It's a lot easier to get yourself from point A to point B rather than 5 people. I have learned that I thrive on time spent alone. I am so used to it that I often long for it when I've spent a bit of time around more people.

While we were there, we went to Sea World. I saw Shamu. He is one talented mammal, let me tell you. Take a look:

Sea world day was also the day of my friend's memorial back home. I wanted so badly to go, but couldn't. Put that on my list of things to let go.

So the first time I had a chance, I ran to the beach. It wasn't very much because we were on a tiny island facing condominiums and ships. But I wanted to take a moment to appreciate being outside, being alive and being in one piece.

I take self portraits a lot. Mainly it's because I usually have really good light and I know that someone else isn't going to be able to come to my location quickly enough. I also think it is good for all of the photographers to step in front of the camera. Having taken my own photos, I learn how to better communicate with the people I shoot photos of.

I spent this time taking photos and thinking about things that I needed to just let sail into the wind. Earlier in the day, I was trying to get a picture of this guy:

He kept moving and I just kept asking him, please stay still, please sit, don't fly, come back. Right after I thought this, I thought, "why are you asking a bird to not fly? thats like asking the waves of the ocean to stop coming back and the sun not to rise each day. Things will be. It was a moment, now let it free."

The last day we visited a beach pretty close to the border. It was foggy, windy and cold. And it was wonderful. I spent time hugging my brother and sister and mother and father. I was grateful for the time I got to spend with them there.

In the end, I didn't let things go. I wanted to but I couldn't get them to completely take off. I think that's okay. Because at that same point I started to let go, I realized something. You can't appreciate life without death. You won't appreciate love without some sort of pain. All things return to the earth. Things remain, and that will be the way life goes. You appreciate the joy in your life because of the times where you thought the hurt would last forever.

So it goes. And I'm loosening the grip (thanks Mei.) on things and while doing that, focusing my attention on love and appreciation. Cheers to those of you living life by the wind, by following what your heart says is good and right for you and by loving to the fullest capacity.