I think I've been feeling an overwhelming sense of self doubt.

It stops me in the middle of my tracks and looks me straight in the eye to ask me questions like, "what are you even doing?" and "what are you thinking?! This doesn't matter." So I have to go back to the basics of what I know, because it doesn't feel right. And what do I know?

I know that I have to live my life in a way that makes me happy.

My happiness comes from living a life that benefits others.

I know that I seek progression.

I know that I am not going to settle at where I am currently.

I know that I will pick and choose my battle, but settling for happiness is not an option.

I know that love exists, because I can see it in tiny acts, thoughts and words, but I'm not sure if it's where I want it to be right now.

I know that you can't control love. You can't make the decision of who loves you, or why they love or don't love you.

I know that I go into meaningful things wholeheartedly.

I know that school is not the right decision for me right now.

I know that it is summer, but the way the semester ended made a statement that was loud and clear for me.

I know that I would rather be on the road and feeling a hint of loneliness, than be with someone that is in it half heartedly.

I know that there are a lot, a lot of things that I need to work on. That has become very clear.

The week of finals ended badly. As I was walking to one final, it literally felt like people were pulling me back, away from the building. My heart and soul were going wild and my heartbeat rose quickly. I felt an immense feeling of "un-belonging." I didn't want to go, I couldn't go. I chose not to go to my final. I turned around, I went home, and I cried all the way. I'm not going to make myself do something that I feel influences me in such a strongly negative way. I think there is a time and a place for learning (even if it's boring) but now is not the time or the place in my life for academics.

I'm ready to go to Indonesia and live out my life's dream already. My friend Jade is coming this weekend to visit, and the word "thrilled" doesn't even begin to describe how much I need her here. Good friends will do that for you- help your heart.

Beginnings and Endings

I think I've been feeling heavy for the past day or two because things are coming to a close. I feel a hint of this when semesters end, when people graduate and move, or things feel like they are shifting significantly.

I am tired of talking about the future- now is enough for me to think about.

I'm feeling a lack of communication in my life.

I never thought spring would come, but I found it today.

Hints of life and growth.

We made a fire today by a river although it was incredibly windy.

I listened to the harmonica playing, and appreciated time to pause.

Have you found something that captivates your heart?

You will.

We bonded over broken bones

The weather is grey but the future is bright.

It's been one crazy past year, let me just tell you. I looked back today at where I was a year ago, and was amazed at the time, space, distance, people and situations that have changed.

Almost one year ago I made a pilgrimage to a place that I lived in fear of for so long. Making that step has forever changed the way I have lived my life. Stepping out into something that feels fearful, is just that- fearful. It may hurt, it definitely will not be easy, but sometimes it's necessary for growth.

I think I'm feeling a little sentimental lately because things have been falling into place. I haven't been hitting any brick walls, its just all worked out eventually. Isn't it odd to find little fractions of your soul in places and people you wouldn't have thought you would find them in? This is what keeps me hoping, and this is what keeps me having faith in the world. So I catch myself giving in to feelings of impulsion and happiness because doing that has led me to now. And now is not so bad at all.

So all that I can tell you is that tragedy is tragedy. But the hope that I have found in tragedy is that it brings beautiful people together. So I have to keep thinking that life doesn't end when something awful happens, because for me it hasn't. Life goes on, as cliche as that sounds, I believe it. It's important for me to live a life that encourages others to sweep up their opportunities and love wholeheartedly. I sometimes describe my life as circles, as teacups or bowls. One of my favorite books is about a woman describing her life as a bowl-sometimes it gets filled up, sometimes it is emptied. The thing that I have come to learn about life is that it is a series of overlapping circles. I realize that everything is connected, and I wouldn't be here, in this moment, without a moment of past experience leading up to this point.

I found this from a post I wrote almost a year ago:

My life is hundreds of thousands of still frames, trying to capture my wild heart and ideas. My heart is not collecting dust.

So I encourage you, don't let your heart collect dust. Take a look back at your life circles. I'm just trying to show people what the most beautiful parts of my life are by taking photographs. By doing this, I hope others will show me their beautiful lives as well. I have hope that you won't give up.