I think it started on my 22 birthday, while I was standing in an irrigation field in Pavilion, Wyoming. Pavilion is just a small blink of a town and I hadn't even told anyone I was turning another year older.
The sun was rising as I walked through the field, causing the frost to melt under my boots. Veda ran ahead, scaring up a flock of birds. I pointed my camera ahead and clicked the shutter as they swarmed up and then settled again in the grass. I think that photograph is one of only a handful of creative images from the Fall.
I remember sitting in the field, having a really hard conversation with myself going something along the lines of, "okay, Becca. How long do you really want to live on pasta and toast? Are you really excited to be poor and lonely for the rest of your life?" Because when the loneliness and lack of funding starts to add up, you start to question the validity of your efforts.
I had a couple of great jobs planned and in a matter of days, it all fell apart and life kind of kicked me in the back of the knees. I kept trying to produce images I loved and nothing was translating the way I wanted it to. I kept pressuring myself to make money and be successful and plan a big expedition and all of that culminated into a big knot that was in the way of the creativity that wasn't flowing because of all the pressure. You can see, it's a terrible cyclical effect that only results in continued frustration.
I think all 20, 30, and maybe 40-something's fall into the question of "what do I want to do with my life," so in no way do I think it's unique that I'm having those concerns, too. For me, it's come in answers of slivers of light between trees and fast car rides to chase the sun before it goes down. The universe answers me in sagebrush plains and good conversations with people I am just starting to know.
The moments that I let that pressure go and was shooting photographs, just to create photographs for myself, were the only ones I truly love from the past couple months. I guess, I feel like you have to be in the right place at the right time to catch the greatest things, and I just have been missing them because I've been in a tunnel vision of making money trying to "make it" as a photographer. And looking back on the pressure-less moments, those are the images that make me really feel like the loneliness and peanut butter tortillas and early morning, grueling hikes and lack of funding are so unimportant that they don't even exist.
I remember sitting in the Denver airport in the early summer with Aaron Huey, talking over lunch about how he got started and the beginning of his career. He kept telling me to just go. To travel and shoot and maybe go into debt a little, but if this is what I want, then I had to make it happen.
Realizing this is a theme in my most recent conversations, I need to just go. To try to let go of the need for constant creativity, and embrace that things aren't always going to happen. I've been waiting for things to fall into my lap when really, I need to find them. The only way I know how to do that is to travel, so it looks like that will be the plan for the Spring.