Monday, May 30, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Maybe if you have been to the Valley, you get this sentiment. The difference between my longing and other's missing feelings, is that it's not because I long to be on the granite walls. But the underlying feeling I think is still somewhat similar. The magnitude of power that is in Yosemite is beyond words. To stand alone in a field surrounded by walls that feel powerful, yet familiar, is a feeling that is far beyond the words that I can describe it as. And with the risk of sounding overly sentimental about it, it's magic. I felt something so much bigger than myself there, and I have a longing to be immersed in that feeling again.
I walked in to the Valley, shaking, nervous, angry and upset. I wrapped tibetan prayer beads around my wrist for some strength to conquer a fear of a place that held a lot of negative energy for me. But as soon as I was there, it wasn't overwhelming anymore. Its hard to be mad at a place that leaves you speechless. It's difficult to be face to face with such heavy feelings.
And it feels like a lead weight off your back when you sit down with those feelings and acknowledge their presence, but tell them that they don't control you.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
My sister graduated from high school this week. I walked in to graduation, already exhausted, feeling a little negative about the past week of my life. But there was something about how excited everyone was about their future that was contagious. 500 kids are going off, taking a step into what might feel like an unknown. It was comforting for me because I feel like I am doing the same. But yet, in the moment where everything is new, there was so much enthusiasm for the next step of their lives. I left feeling really inspired.
Friday, May 13, 2011
I have a hard time letting people go. I will admit that always. But doesn't everyone have some kind of past experience that leaves them a little scarred for the future? There have been many people in my life that have come in quickly and left unexpectedly. So what do you do? Maybe there needs to be a balance, but I tend to throw myself in wholeheartedly.
Of course, there is an aspect of fear. I’m scared of the pains that will come with the wholeheartedness. I’m scared of the idea that someone might not find you as interesting as they once did. But to me, it means more than waiting, because you can’t guarantee your next minute of life. For myself, I would rather live wholeheartedly than live my life with hesitation and fear.
It amazes me the people that have the hard resilience from bending and breaking, but are still warm hearted and kind. Its those people that use their sadness, their happiness, their sorrow and their broken hearts to change the world in a more positive way. I'd like to be more like that.
The other day ended with blue kitchens and pink skies. It was so sublimely beautiful that I took a moment to really consider where my life was. Even though the timing of things are so confusing, I love the direction where things are going. I'm taking time off school, I'm going to be living out my dream, I've been inspired to give away things; to shed my life of things that aren't necessary or wanted.
So are the promises to myself: to love wholeheartedly, even though there are costs, because life is too quick to not. to spend more time making art instead of spending time anxious. and to not ask for more time, but to love the time I was given.
We went to Saratoga hot springs the other day, we drove far distances to hot pools and sunshine tucked away in the mountains. After that, we drove back on dirt roads that kicked up dust behind us and wove through the mountains. We pulled over to take some pictures, go barefoot in the grass, and it was the perfect day to say 'see you later's' and 'hello's.'
endings and beginnings, they are confusing, beautiful things.