Thursday, May 12, 2011

I think I've been feeling an overwhelming sense of self doubt.

It stops me in the middle of my tracks and looks me straight in the eye to ask me questions like, "what are you even doing?" and "what are you thinking?! This doesn't matter." So I have to go back to the basics of what I know, because it doesn't feel right. And what do I know?

I know that I have to live my life in a way that makes me happy.
My happiness comes from living a life that benefits others.
I know that I seek progression.
I know that I am not going to settle at where I am currently.
I know that I will pick and choose my battle, but settling for happiness is not an option.
I know that love exists, because I can see it in tiny acts, thoughts and words, but I'm not sure if it's where I want it to be right now.
I know that you can't control love. You can't make the decision of who loves you, or why they love or don't love you.
I know that I go into meaningful things wholeheartedly.
I know that school is not the right decision for me right now.
I know that it is summer, but the way the semester ended made a statement that was loud and clear for me.
I know that I would rather be on the road and feeling a hint of loneliness, than be with someone that is in it half heartedly.
I know that there are a lot, a lot of things that I need to work on. That has become very clear.

The week of finals ended badly. As I was walking to one final, it literally felt like people were pulling me back, away from the building. My heart and soul were going wild and my heartbeat rose quickly. I felt an immense feeling of "un-belonging." I didn't want to go, I couldn't go. I chose not to go to my final. I turned around, I went home, and I cried all the way. I'm not going to make myself do something that I feel influences me in such a strongly negative way. I think there is a time and a place for learning (even if it's boring) but now is not the time or the place in my life for academics.

I'm ready to go to Indonesia and live out my life's dream already. My friend Jade is coming this weekend to visit, and the word "thrilled" doesn't even begin to describe how much I need her here. Good friends will do that for you- help your heart.

No comments:

Post a Comment