Friday, May 13, 2011

a lot of words to say.

We interact with a hundred people a day. We walk into each other’s lives unannounced and unexpectedly connect with them. This is a beautiful part of life, don’t you think? It is one billion small circles, overlapping.

I have a hard time letting people go. I will admit that always. But doesn't everyone have some kind of past experience that leaves them a little scarred for the future? There have been many people in my life that have come in quickly and left unexpectedly. So what do you do? Maybe there needs to be a balance, but I tend to throw myself in wholeheartedly.

Of course, there is an aspect of fear. I’m scared of the pains that will come with the wholeheartedness. I’m scared of the idea that someone might not find you as interesting as they once did. But to me, it means more than waiting, because you can’t guarantee your next minute of life. For myself, I would rather live wholeheartedly than live my life with hesitation and fear.

It amazes me the people that have the hard resilience from bending and breaking, but are still warm hearted and kind. Its those people that use their sadness, their happiness, their sorrow and their broken hearts to change the world in a more positive way. I'd like to be more like that.

So for the past couple days I've been just trying to focus on not wishing for more time. It's a difficult thing to do, but you can't extend the clock. So I'll take what I have, and appreciate all the good that comes with it, and I'll take the bad in strides.

The other day ended with blue kitchens and pink skies. It was so sublimely beautiful that I took a moment to really consider where my life was. Even though the timing of things are so confusing, I love the direction where things are going. I'm taking time off school, I'm going to be living out my dream, I've been inspired to give away things; to shed my life of things that aren't necessary or wanted.

So are the promises to myself: to love wholeheartedly, even though there are costs, because life is too quick to not. to spend more time making art instead of spending time anxious. and to not ask for more time, but to love the time I was given.

We went to Saratoga hot springs the other day, we drove far distances to hot pools and sunshine tucked away in the mountains. After that, we drove back on dirt roads that kicked up dust behind us and wove through the mountains. We pulled over to take some pictures, go barefoot in the grass, and it was the perfect day to say 'see you later's' and 'hello's.'

endings and beginnings, they are confusing, beautiful things.

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