Thursday, October 18, 2012


I'm leaving for the West coast tomorrow and I'm terribly excited to leave. I'm feeling restless. This isn't a new feeling, but it's not because I want to travel again. I'm feeling a huge imbalance that I know only seeing new places can straighten out.

For the first several months of my life, I was in a harness that was aimed at correcting the hip dysplasia I was born with. Friends and I joke that this is why I feel such a need to move around; to incessantly travel and go. I can't argue with it. In my mind, that's a part of the reason why a transient lifestyle has fit so well into my being- the deeply rooted feeling of being contained is so exhausting. The other part of it comes from the blood in my veins. I was born into a family of travelers and explorers and everyone has done something magnificent. Maybe it's all genetics. It's funny, too, that when I'm feeling burnt out on being too much or too little, driving helps. Running helps also. It's the motion that really makes me feel better, because as long as I'm moving, I feel I won't be boring and won't be monotonous- my soul won't collect dust.

Moving around and traveling has been a large part of my life the past two years that I haven't been in school and for that long time, it seemed to work. I guess you can always make it work- but there is a difference between making it work and being happy in it. And near the end of it all- the end of this summer- where there was nothing consistent and there hadn't been anything routine for most all of the year, is where all the moving around started to exhaust more than exhilarate. It felt like so much work to constantly try to form friendships, let alone relationships, that felt meaningful and lasting when I knew that I'd be leaving again soon. It's a "see you in...well, I'm not sure when" kind of deal. I'm great at making small talk, but it isn't filling or substantial.

So when it comes time to settle down here (and I swear, I'm ready to settle down), and for two weeks I have no job and am not making money, I have no schedule and no rules for myself, it doesn't feel like a vacation. I feel tired and lazy and unbalanced. And I know I shouldn't complain about time away from work, because I am lucky that I have that option, but again, I feel a serious lack of stability. I come back from trips where I see my greatest friends, and come back to a place that I'm just starting to get to know and feel comfortable in. I hate to admit that I'm lonely. In some sense, it makes me feel weak that it seems like I can't make it on my own. I can travel solo. It's when I stay in one place and have to let myself be alright with being alone. And it's days like today and yesterday that it has just consumed me and I feel so dependent on people that aren't going to solve any of that for me. It's a constant lesson of being alone and being happy in it. So I'm making my best effort.

So I drive towards the mountains and try not to force myself to be creative if I don't want to be. I buy myself a beer and a chocolate bar and sit on top of a mountain with my dog and shoot clays with a slingshot and know that this isn't the end of the world and there are positive things coming.

Investment of time.
Development of patience.

I guess everything I'm feeling is homesickness for a place that I haven't quite developed yet.

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