if you only knew how long I have waited.

a celebration of life

4 years ago this day was one that was filled with a lot of emotions for me. I lost someone in my life that was incredibly important to me. And when I lost my Uncle Todd, I realized that there is no such thing as being invincible. It's taken me a long time to get to this point in my life that I feel like this happened for a reason. The people I have met and the experiences that I continue to have because of my Uncle's death are extraordinary and I wouldn't have ever imagined my life going in this direction because of something as painful as a loss of someone great.

I tried to make plans for my life a long time ago. I gave up on them quite recently and figured out that life is going to take me wherever I'm supposed to go. I can open doors or leave them closed, I am learning to constantly adapt to new situations.

We build on our grief and our losses to make us better, stronger, more alive. I have lived the fullest 4 years of my life because of my loss. I'm lucky.

My friend Katie is in town this weekend. She flew from New Orleans to see my gallery opening and to visit. Today we went out to Vedauwoo to do a life celebration. Of our lives, of the people we've lost, to the future.

We made bluebird buttons and sent them into the wind to fly with our kisses to those men that we miss.

We sat on top of a rock and shared stories. We cried a lot of deep rooted tears. We laughed whole heartedly.

We opened a bottle of sparkling cider and toasted to our lost loved ones. We ate dark chocolate and smoked a celebration cigar.

We did a lot of healing on top of this rock. You're allowed to miss someone, do you know that? I forget sometimes. And I forget that pain and joy are the exact same emotion. The one that takes your whole heart and says "understand me? this is real."

So today I remembered that missing is okay and that my soul is strong.

To my soul sister, KB, thanks for being with me on this day. Loving with our whole hearts is a good thing. We are lucky the lucky ones because of it.

To my Uncle Todd- can't wait to see you when I get there.

pablo neruda.

676754 zxd (Veda just typed that as her tail whacked the keyboard) I think it's her code for 'please stop working on the computer and come play outside.' Unfortunately, I cannot. I will have to pass up this beautiful fall day to instead skip class to work on gallery things and get things ready for my presentation. As unfortunate as this is, I am terribly excited for the opening of my gallery on Thursday evening. (please stop by if you can!).

Recently, I've been reading a lot of Pablo Neruda poetry. And it's been inspiring photos left and right. So here it Neruda's "If You Forget Me."

I want you to know one thing. You know how this is: if I look at the crystal moon, at the red branch of the slow autumn at my window, if I touch near the fire the impalpable ash or the wrinkled body of the log, everything carries me to you, as if everything that exists, aromas, light, metals, were little boats that sail toward those isles of yours that wait for me. Well, now, if little by little you stop loving me I shall stop loving you little by little. If suddenly you forget me do not look for me, for I shall already have forgotten you. If you think it long and mad, the wind of banners that passes through my life, and you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots, remember that on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms and my roots will set off to seek another land. But if each day, each hour, you feel that you are destined for me with implacable sweetness, if each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me, ah my love, ah my own, in me all that fire is repeated, in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, my love feeds on your love, beloved, and as long as you live it will be in your arms without leaving mine. -pablo neruda and that my friends, is Tuesday.

yes.

I need to stop uploading photos from this shoot.

I have high standards of who I spend my time with.

I don't think that's a bad thing.

I am feeling very, very impatient for some things to happen.

and lastly, this week is huge for me.

continuing with the North Face tour, gallery opening and 2 presentations about my hurricane project, getting to see new friends who are visiting, and running all over the place, it sounds good to me.

I have been feeling like an actual photographer. As silly as it sounds, I have been really enjoying that feeling. I got coffee and took it into the frame shop and picked out frames for all my photos. I picked up prints and hurried them home to place them in their new black box frames, all ready for the gallery.

It's legitimate now, I have 25 framed photos sitting, waiting to be hung in the gallery and then taken home with various people and loved and appreciated.

this week will be good.

missing

I took off work today to collect my thoughts and to sleep in this big bed alone with a puppy that curls up by my side and puts her nose in the nook of my neck.

I am feeling a heavy sense of missing lately.

I think it might be some rapidly approaching dates that are important in my memory.

I am feeling this, so I let it happen.

and missing is ok.

I've also been feeling a strong pull of wanting things I can't have right now. It's something that I think is one of the hardest things to accept. All at the same time, I'm trying to forget some things, remember others and be grounded. I'm trying to let it pass, and I'm trying to be rational.

But rational has never been something I'm good at.

I fly by what my heart asks of me.

I enjoy always being asked "what state are you in now??"

I enjoy driving by myself. or with my pup as co pilot.

One of my goals is to have a good, good friend in every state. I'm almost half way there.

I like making a home out of where I lay my head every night, whether that be here or somewhere on the road.

And I miss this lifestyle.

I miss being free and wild.

I feel contained.

But I forget, that this lifestyle is a lonely one.

I forget that quite often.

I came up for air.

I can finally breathe again.

After a weekend with an anxiety level at a constant 10, I'm glad that things have winded down. It was becoming more than my heart could take.

But now, I am feeling like things are backing down. I am currently on tour with The North Face, which is always great. The tour always inspires me to go outside and start traveling, and I'm already planning my next trip. Get ready for it, it's a big one!!

I'm going to India.

!!!!

And that is all I will discuss about it right now, as to leave you all in suspense about when or why or what I will be doing. But for now, photos.

Kit talking about the Arctic Wildlife

my favorite hotel. ever.

this big feather bed is king size and comes with a white noise machine that plays fake bird noises. Yes, please.

I'm arguing with myself again.

This happens a day or two after I do something really fulfilling.

I feel my life is getting stale.

boring.

uneventful.

I fight the need to go, to move and to be doing something that I feel is important.

I convince myself that finishing school is important.

That getting an education is more than a lot of people get.

But I continue to fight this lifestyle, going on more trips than full weeks at school, counting down the days until I can fly again and live out of something other than a house.

It is the most frustrating feeling in the world for me. It drives me to tears.

Bottom line:I want to do something meaningful.

mountain biking

I've never been mountain biking. Seeing as that I can barely ride a bike in town without hitting something, I feel like maybe I should let other people ride the bikes in the mountains, and I'll come along to document the beautifulness of it all.

So we did.

I packed up my camera backpack with all my lenses and flashes and set off to the mountains with 4 boys and 3 bikes with us. We winded up the highway until we parked the car and proceeded to get ready for the adventure. Myself and Connor walked ahead of the group since we were on foot. Tyler, Aaron and John quickly caught up to us, or moreover, zoomed past us with unbelievable speed.

I've never shot photos of mountain bikers before and I was pretty excited about getting the opportunity to do so today. I thought, 'what a good challenge, to shoot a sport that I know absolutely nothing about.' After causing minor wreckage while trying to get "the perfect capture" (and forgetting that I was standing in the middle of the trail) I learned very quickly that I needed to let the guys ride and I needed to take photos safely to the side or somewhere that wouldn't put me in the direct hit line. After a couple more instances where I became aware that I was still in take-out range, I realized how dangerous of a sport this is. I got lucky that they didn't run me over and chose to take a wreck instead, and I vowed to be more careful next time.

The colors in the grass and the trees was wonderful, and I really enjoyed being outside. We hiked down quite a ways until we were in a huge open field and up to the right was a giant hill. As I watched the boys scramble up it, Connor and I talked about how steep it was and how it would be scary to watch. As Tyler went across, he made a turn to drop and fell. Still taking photos of him rolling down the hill, picking up dust, it occurred to me how scary it is to watch an accident happen through the lens. I've heard a couple stories of things worse than mountain bike falls and it started to make me think that I might witness one. Hopefully not, but I realize that it's a possibility.

After shooting 300 photos and running out of good light, we started back, only having one headlamp. The altitude was taking effect on my lungs and I drug myself up the trail back to the car. My calves won't fit in half the snow boots I try to buy, but they carry me up mountains. I guess I would rather have that then snow boots any day. I miss being outside like this, just playing.

It's been too long since I have been in the mountains, and my heart and soul thanked me endlessly for this today.