I’ve spent the past three days entering data on suicide statistics for my job (I help write grants and do research for suicide prevention and mental health initiatives around Wyoming). I’m exhausted and seeing all the data was really draining. I’m walking away feeling like I seriously need something different in my life.
On my way up for this trip, we stopped in Lander for a brief couple hours so I could see some girls I used to climb with in Colorado. They were living out of the back of a car, living the dirtbag life and climbing around the United States until late August. This is the life that I have wanted to live this summer, but am unable to. It was painful for my heart to know that I had to leave them, eating watermelon for lunch, to go sit in an office for the longest work shifts of my life. I have been working full time for the past couple days, 8-10 hour days and feeling so empty at the end of it. I believe that this work is meaningful, but this is not what I want to do for my life. At the end of the first day, my boss and I went mountain biking through the reservoir here. She brought a really nice bike for me to borrow while I’m here, and it was exactly what I needed to be outside after a ten hour day at the office talking about suicide. We rode out a couple miles and watched the sky turn purple and orange before it started to get really windy and dark. When we decided to turn around, we saw that the path we had come down was completely immersed in a sandstorm. The only choice was to go back through it.
So, on we went. The dust was hitting me in the face, and I could barely see out of one eye. I kept thinking to myself “why do I end up in these situations…the ones that seem really desperate and epic?” until I realized that a part of me really loves it. I secretly love the stories that involve some kind of adventure twist to it. I even more so love that I tend to be a part of them. Half way through the ride back, I looked over to see my boss, pedaling as hard as she can and going virtually nowhere. I started laughing so hard- we were basically riding sideways through the storm, and we hadn’t even worn bike shorts or packed water. We made it back after an hour of fighting against the 40+ mph headwinds against us, and dirt crammed in all of the corners of my eyes, nose and ears. My boss felt so bad, but I assured her she was in good company for adventures like that. It was a really, really good release for the day.
I made the final decision about moving to Bozeman and I set a date. It might happen earlier than when I decided, but it will definitely happen by then. It’s terrifying to me…I haven’t had to start over for four years.
I think I’m at a life conundrum. I have all the faith in the world that things will be okay, but I’m just not feeling great (which is also okay.)