Monday, May 30, 2011

I'm feeling way too tied down
too much attachment
too much commitment to things I don't care enough about
not enough passion and inspiration.

I need some time alone to sit in the mountains.
I need to drive for hours on end to no place in particular.
I need to sit down with the big questions in my life.
I need to re-learn how to be alone.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Missing the Valley

If you asked me where I wished I was right now, I would probably tell you that I wish I was in Yosemite. There are things that I need to do here, and I realize that. However, the feeling has grown into not just wishing, but into a full-out-sometimes-I-get-teary-eyed-thinking-about-it-wish.

Maybe if you have been to the Valley, you get this sentiment. The difference between my longing and other's missing feelings, is that it's not because I long to be on the granite walls. But the underlying feeling I think is still somewhat similar. The magnitude of power that is in Yosemite is beyond words. To stand alone in a field surrounded by walls that feel powerful, yet familiar, is a feeling that is far beyond the words that I can describe it as. And with the risk of sounding overly sentimental about it, it's magic. I felt something so much bigger than myself there, and I have a longing to be immersed in that feeling again.

I walked in to the Valley, shaking, nervous, angry and upset. I wrapped tibetan prayer beads around my wrist for some strength to conquer a fear of a place that held a lot of negative energy for me. But as soon as I was there, it wasn't overwhelming anymore. Its hard to be mad at a place that leaves you speechless. It's difficult to be face to face with such heavy feelings.
And it feels like a lead weight off your back when you sit down with those feelings and acknowledge their presence, but tell them that they don't control you.

I miss feeling photographically challenged.
I miss San Fransisco.
and I miss Yosemite Valley.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

the slow days

I inherited a Nikon film camera and about 40 rolls of expired film. The colors in the film are really bright and the blues are really, really blue.
My days right now consist of waking up, drinking Sumatran coffee in my kitchen in the morning with my roommates, going to work for 5 hours and then longboarding, biking or playing guitar in a rocking chair from the afternoons into late at night.
It's slow. And beautiful.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

hope for the future

My sister graduated from high school this week. I walked in to graduation, already exhausted, feeling a little negative about the past week of my life. But there was something about how excited everyone was about their future that was contagious. 500 kids are going off, taking a step into what might feel like an unknown. It was comforting for me because I feel like I am doing the same. But yet, in the moment where everything is new, there was so much enthusiasm for the next step of their lives. I left feeling really inspired.

I like empty things. I like the way an empty space feels because I feel like it can be full of anything, it's a blank space. It doesn't need to be filled up, it can just be open and vast. I like the way that empty bottles look on window sills and I like the way that bowls and jars look when they are bare. So any time spent in these places really encourages me to take a step back, re-center my life, and realize that I can start over. It allows me space to explore, to find, to breathe. And I decided, what use is holding on to things, emotions, that weigh you down?

I've started to give away things in order to live my life more simply. After last summer when I lived out of my car with a small feather bed laid down over the seats, a backpack, my guitar and a harmonica, I realized how easy things can be when you eliminate the unnecessary.

So this week started and ended with the thoughts that there are good people in the world, and I'm surrounded by a lot of them. I'm feeling really lucky for having a circle of friends that can calm my mind after it's been running around for far too long.

Friday, May 13, 2011

a lot of words to say.

We interact with a hundred people a day. We walk into each other’s lives unannounced and unexpectedly connect with them. This is a beautiful part of life, don’t you think? It is one billion small circles, overlapping.

I have a hard time letting people go. I will admit that always. But doesn't everyone have some kind of past experience that leaves them a little scarred for the future? There have been many people in my life that have come in quickly and left unexpectedly. So what do you do? Maybe there needs to be a balance, but I tend to throw myself in wholeheartedly.

Of course, there is an aspect of fear. I’m scared of the pains that will come with the wholeheartedness. I’m scared of the idea that someone might not find you as interesting as they once did. But to me, it means more than waiting, because you can’t guarantee your next minute of life. For myself, I would rather live wholeheartedly than live my life with hesitation and fear.

It amazes me the people that have the hard resilience from bending and breaking, but are still warm hearted and kind. Its those people that use their sadness, their happiness, their sorrow and their broken hearts to change the world in a more positive way. I'd like to be more like that.

So for the past couple days I've been just trying to focus on not wishing for more time. It's a difficult thing to do, but you can't extend the clock. So I'll take what I have, and appreciate all the good that comes with it, and I'll take the bad in strides.

The other day ended with blue kitchens and pink skies. It was so sublimely beautiful that I took a moment to really consider where my life was. Even though the timing of things are so confusing, I love the direction where things are going. I'm taking time off school, I'm going to be living out my dream, I've been inspired to give away things; to shed my life of things that aren't necessary or wanted.

So are the promises to myself: to love wholeheartedly, even though there are costs, because life is too quick to not. to spend more time making art instead of spending time anxious. and to not ask for more time, but to love the time I was given.

We went to Saratoga hot springs the other day, we drove far distances to hot pools and sunshine tucked away in the mountains. After that, we drove back on dirt roads that kicked up dust behind us and wove through the mountains. We pulled over to take some pictures, go barefoot in the grass, and it was the perfect day to say 'see you later's' and 'hello's.'

endings and beginnings, they are confusing, beautiful things.