Friday, April 27, 2012

making new homes in different places

As I drove away with Laramie in the review mirror, tears filled my eyes. Doubt bombarded me and I had to pull over to catch my breath to convince myself that this is exactly what I needed to do. This is what I've wanted for a long time. This is happening. This is actually happening.

This place has taught me how to fall in love and how to deal with heartbreak. It's a transient place, as I've watched friends come and go. I learned how to raise chickens, how to tear out carpet and fix a house. It's taught me that climbing isn't the most important thing in my life, but it will always be a deeply rooted part of who I am. It's told me that being a visual artist is important and necessary to the world. People in this town have encouraged me to believe in something bigger than myself and have demonstrated selflessness. My time in Laramie has taught me how to laugh at myself, the type of person I want to be, and has brought people into my life who have shown me who I don't want to be. All of this has culminated into one incredible learning experience. For 4.5 years of my life I have settled in this place, called it home and I claim it as a hometown now. A lot of the friends I've made will turn into life-long friends and I can't wait to get back to their company.

I can't explain the feeling of life slowing down to the point of restlessness. It tore at me and despite loving the people, it was time for me to go.

8.5 hours of crying and praying and thinking about all the people and places I was leaving passed slowly. My ipod, on shuffle, chose the song "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes right as I drove into Bozeman, and it felt hard to believe that this is where I'm basing myself for now.

I always say to make homes in many places. I think it's best for the soul to expand friend circles and see places different than where you feel comfortable. I love Laramie, and I think I will love Bozeman.

At what point do you realize that things start looking familiar? It has been difficult to not know where the best place for coffee is, or where to spend time, or really, who to spend time with. I moved here knowing less than a handful of people, none of which I know very well. Truthfully, the loneliness is a little overwhelming. And I have to keep reminding myself, "I wanted this."

I'm feeling really drawn in and shy. I'm not quite sure what foot to lead with, but I'm trying and trying and trying to put myself out there and find happiness in people and places. I love being alone, but I really miss feeling comfortable. The only thing to do is to keep going. It's the only option, and I think in time, things will feel better. I drift from survival mode, to powerful anxiousness to laughing at myself because I have no idea what the hell I'm doing or where I am most of the time. The laughter keeps me feeling alright.

It's only 4 days until I travel and move around again for 2.5 months.

Keeping up the positivity, allowing myself to miss people and things, and crying when necessary.

It'll be okay.


  1. Listen, Becca,

    I know you don't know me at all so this may seem a bit odd, but I feel a sort of parallel to you. Like we are on the same journey through life. You are a beautifully talented photographer AND writer, I love every single blog you post. Like me, you are finding homes in many different places, and I just wanted to bring you a little reassurance. Bozeman is fantastic, I lived there for a while and loved it. Wild Joes has fabulous Chai tea and gingersnap cookies; Nova Cafe has the best breakfast in town, and being at the top of the M trail is spectacular. If life is as funny and serendipitous as I believe it is, I think we will meet one day, and I think we would become really great friends.
    Keep those positive thoughts flowing, keep exploring the world, and keep taking awesome pictures -- what you do is important!

  2. “I love being alone, but I really miss feeling comfortable.” That struck a deep chord home…Thank you Becca, as always. For sharing. Your windy roads. Your spot-on observations. Whether on the hoof or on stable ground your “footprints” are impactful. Indelible on the lives you touch. And there are so many already; I am glad there will be so many many scores to follow with each step you take.

  3. I didn't love Laramie as much as you did, but I did feel that sense of loneliness and being lost, as you do now, when I moved to Missoula. But Montanans are warm & welcoming & before you know it, you'll know where your favorite place for coffee is and where to find the best burritos. & before you know it, you'll be surrounded by amazing people as well. It just takes time.