Sunday, November 28, 2010

letting it go.

This trip to San Diego was (for me) focused on learning to let things go. I struggle with this constantly, as I feel really comfortable being in control. So I jetted off to a place as far west as you can go in the United States. I've been feeling so low on self confidence and the right words to say, I hope this is a fraction of what people have shared with me lately.

First of all, it was freezing cold. I wore my down jacket for about 95% of the time there.

I wanted to be alone, to take a quiet walk and think about all these things that have been swimming in my brain. I forgot how well I travel by myself. It's a lot easier to get yourself from point A to point B rather than 5 people. I have learned that I thrive on time spent alone. I am so used to it that I often long for it when I've spent a bit of time around more people.

While we were there, we went to Sea World. I saw Shamu. He is one talented mammal, let me tell you. Take a look:

Sea world day was also the day of my friend's memorial back home. I wanted so badly to go, but couldn't. Put that on my list of things to let go.
So the first time I had a chance, I ran to the beach. It wasn't very much because we were on a tiny island facing condominiums and ships. But I wanted to take a moment to appreciate being outside, being alive and being in one piece.

I take self portraits a lot. Mainly it's because I usually have really good light and I know that someone else isn't going to be able to come to my location quickly enough. I also think it is good for all of the photographers to step in front of the camera. Having taken my own photos, I learn how to better communicate with the people I shoot photos of.

I spent this time taking photos and thinking about things that I needed to just let sail into the wind. Earlier in the day, I was trying to get a picture of this guy:
He kept moving and I just kept asking him, please stay still, please sit, don't fly, come back. Right after I thought this, I thought, "why are you asking a bird to not fly? thats like asking the waves of the ocean to stop coming back and the sun not to rise each day. Things will be. It was a moment, now let it free."

The last day we visited a beach pretty close to the border. It was foggy, windy and cold. And it was wonderful. I spent time hugging my brother and sister and mother and father. I was grateful for the time I got to spend with them there.

In the end, I didn't let things go. I wanted to but I couldn't get them to completely take off. I think that's okay. Because at that same point I started to let go, I realized something. You can't appreciate life without death. You won't appreciate love without some sort of pain. All things return to the earth. Things remain, and that will be the way life goes. You appreciate the joy in your life because of the times where you thought the hurt would last forever.

So it goes. And I'm loosening the grip (thanks Mei.) on things and while doing that, focusing my attention on love and appreciation. Cheers to those of you living life by the wind, by following what your heart says is good and right for you and by loving to the fullest capacity.

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