bosler, wyoming and ships

The weekend finally came and I couldn't have been more grateful.

I've been dreaming about ships for the past 4 days. I'm not sure what this is a reflection of, other than change. In my dreams the water is really grey and I'm either on them on watching them sail. I can look out and see the line of the horizon and things are always calm and the sun is setting over the sounds of the water washing on the boat. I've been really happy in these dreams, because I've been seeing people who have passed away. I am aware that can sound odd to some people, but it's comforting to me. It's nice to be able to see them in a state of pure happiness.

In one of the dreams, a friend of mine told me that if I didn't pursue photography that I would be neglecting the world. As soon as he said this, I looked over my shoulder and saw my Uncle nod at me. It was a pretty powerful vision and when I woke up I was content with my life and where it is going.

But last night, I had a dream that I was sailing in the darkest blue water I've seen. I was on the ship when the front end started flooding and slowly it started sinking. The water got higher and and higher and I could feel myself being lowered into the depths. I attribute this dream to feeling overwhelmed. I've been trying to take it easy on my mind because it feels pretty overworked. I've taken really, really long walks the past two days and also tromped around the woods just a tiny bit. It has been so warm here for the past couple days, my mood has been significantly better.

I got some things off my mind today. I danced around the house this morning and cooked myself some breakfast that made me feel good. I loaded some film in my film camera and shot a couple photos and looked back through some old photos that made me remember things that I loved. Then, I was whisked off to take some photos with some really wonderful and photogenic people. We ran around in fields and looked in old buildings with cracking paint, broken glass, old shoes, and tattered couches with loose springs. It did a lot of good for the heart.

sunshine

I've been feeling pretty delicate lately.

I haven't been getting enough sleep and I've been working consistently, trying to juggle writing grants, going to school and working 2 jobs- I have hardly anytime for climbing or any sort of enjoyable thing.

I think the only word I fit right now is 'fragile.' I feel like at any moment things get overwhelming, and I catch myself feeling like I'm sinking. I have a lot of really, really good people in my life who have been my life support in the past 3 weeks since school started.

Today is the first day of the past 3 weeks that I haven't had something to do. Starting tomorrow it will get busy again until the weekend. So today, when the light hit the most beautiful spot in the sky, I put on my best "almost spring" clothes and grabbed the keys. I love this river and I have spent a lot of time here. They put the nicest stones on the shore that makes me feel like I was in a book when I skipped over them. I sat and drank in the sunlight and really appreciated the time off.

I'm pretty tired of feeling like I barely made it through the week.

oh the travel bug.

It was a hard week of school. I'm realizing how much time this semester is going to eat up. But I have some really, really great things planned in the next 2 months including returning to New Orleans and flying to San Diego for a friend's wedding. So when I have tough days like this, I jam out to this song above, make food with my best friends and take V to the windy, cold dog park. These things make me happier than almost anything.

There are two main things I would like to talk about. Both in which have been weighing heavily on my mind for the past week.

The first matter is something that I feel is worth mentioning. I have come to understand and appreciate that every artist is different. I think that is what makes art so beautiful, because it is an interpretation of what someone feels, believes and sees in the world. I truly, honestly, believe in sharing creativity through inspiration. And I truly, honestly, believe that people who steal that creativity are not artists at all and should not call themselves as such. Art is meant to be unique. It isn't unique when you take someone's feelings, beliefs and views of the world and claim them as your own. I have a lot of sympathy for people who steal someone's creativity, because it demonstrates their insecurity in their own ideas. Your ideas are not someone else's. So be proud of your individuality and own your uniqueness.

Ok, rant over. I needed to share that.

Second matter of business: traveling. I log on to facebook recently and every single day there are photos of my friends traveling abroad. Seriously. Nepal, Italy, Greece, England, and what seems like every country in Africa. I have been extremely envious looking through these photographs. I keep making up excuses for myself for not traveling and buying a plane ticket.

One of my greatest fears is also one of my greatest desires: to travel. There are so many things to be discovered, there are new places and new foods and new surroundings, completely. And in some ways, this really scares me. There are a lot of things that are pretty uncomfortable. But one of the best things about traveling is seeing the familiar in places that are not familiar at all. The other really, really good part about traveling is being able to collect memories to bring back. I'm feeling pretty lucky that I will be able to bring the back in such a visual and artistic way.

So over the course of the past year I've been making excuses of why I haven't been traveling. I'm ready to explore the world in new places and experience different cultures. So, yesterday I designed a "Around the World" ticket.

And it will be purchased.

My desire to take photographs stems out of wanting to create something that matters.

For right now, I don't have a lot words I'd like to write to you. I've just got photographs that talk. But some random little things I'd like to share:

I'd like to think that my self portraits are a visual journal of my days and moods. I get inspired by my emotions, whether it is happiness or freedom or loneliness or feeling hopeful, I try to reflect that.

I'm learning how deep rooted love is. I'm trying to give up some parts of this love and it's taking longer than I want to be uprooted and taken care of. It just feels like sinking sometimes.

I realize how much I thrive on sunlight. When it's cold and dark, my mood goes down significantly. I have sworn to myself that I will move into a house next year that has sunlight and is not in a basement.

I'm trying unbelievably hard not to give into loneliness. That isn't a pity call, it's just a statement. I've seen people form relationships out of the base of the lonely feeling and let's face it: it never turns out well. I am filling my time now with things that are more fulfilling and will last. Music, making food, editing and taking photos.

I'm not entirely sure that the people who live upstairs from me understand that the floors are paper thin. My chandelier is currently swinging back and forth due to what sounds like a basketball game going on.

I believe in a lot of little things like handwritten thank you notes.

Free coffee and heart shaped, handmade bagels.

Christmas cards sent a month late.

and incredible thrift store finds.

accidental photo of myself grinning past the point where it should stop.

You know those grins that take up too much of your face? Yep, this is one of 'em.

i am an Eskimo today.

growing up and kindness

Looking back at photos and being at home for so long makes me miss being little. I have some really distinct memories of my childhood like wandering through the mountains with my dad through caves of aspen groves and hearing my mom's footsteps on the stairs every morning to wake me up for school. These are really comforting memories for me, and they feel safe and happy. Being home after living somewhere else is now very nostalgic, I forget little things that I saw everyday and that happened on a consistent basis. Time flies and I don't even know it until I'm on the other end, looking back. In some ways, remembering these sorts of things makes me sad because I know I'll never get those moments back. Each year I am getting older, and so are my parents, and so are my siblings.

But I think one of the best parts of growing up is being able to remember and grow. I have a great relationship with my parents, who are two of my best friends. They know me really, really well. And it's because I have been able to build that relationship with them. I admire them truly, because growing up is difficult (for both parties). One of the hardest things about it, I think, is letting go. I can't imagine how hard it is for them to hear me tell them that I want to travel to all these places that can be quite dangerous. Or when they left me for my first week at college, or even letting me make serious life choices. But yet they support me and allow me to keep growing through my experiences.

And let me tell you another really amazing part of growing up: connecting with strangers. I feel like I'm luckier than most, or maybe just more aware. I tend to come across really, really incredible people. When I locked myself out of my car a year ago, a very kind man and son picked me up, fed me dinner, and unlocked my car for me. When I was staying in a hostel this summer, I met a man that told me all about his college life when he was studying to be a lawyer, and how the process was the best part of becoming his dream profession. I saw a lot of passion in his eyes, and he truly enjoyed what he was doing. And the best yet, I was in Target the other day, feeling a little down and frustrated. I was standing in an isle when I heard uncontrollable laughing. I looked over and a man was standing in the card section, bent over laughing about a card. He wiped tears from his eyes and just kept going in to fits of laughter. He just looked at me and we both started laughing. It's nice to see someone that happy about something so simple. It's nice to share a moment like that with someone.

I think thats what I keep learning about life the more I grow up: the more simplistically I live, the more I notice happiness. Money complicates. Too many possessions crowd. When I break it down, it's the smallest things like hearing my mom's footsteps coming down the stairs to wake me up or listening to my dad tell me bits of stories about his mountain adventures that completely captivates me and makes me content. It's sharing the moments when laughter is contagious, even over a card that I didn't read. It's looking at someone as their complete whole, flaws and all, and loving them anyways. It is capturing an intimate moment in time with a camera, just to hold it in your hand. It's seeing the magnificent-ness in someone's soul.

Kindness is happiness, and I am going to try to live my life as a more kind person.

items

Untie yourself from the ships that have been left in the harbor. They have sat for far too long and you can see the rings around the bottoms now; burnt orange in color and continuous along the sides. The stale watermarks are reminders of how caged they must feel, tethered to those posts with barnacles attached.

Unwrap yourself from the books with cracking spines. Can you do this without putting your damage on display? Gather up those jars from the windowsills and lay them out. Fill them with things that remind you of dust and weekend trips, silver bracelets around your wrists and dog eared photographs.

I will keep these memories in my pockets until it is time to let them go again.

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I wrote this yesterday, and I feel like it accurately describes all the feelings lately. I start school next week. And truthfully, I am terrified.