Tuesday, February 16, 2010


i thought a lot for the past couple days. I had 6+ driving hours to do, which demands a lot of thinking time. At first I tried to avoid it, and just let my mind go blank but then the thoughts came pouring on and I had to divide them up into sections.

Recently I have had a lot of alone time. The more time I spend by myself, the more comfortable I am with it. It's nice to finally get that feeling. I am a solo roller, and eventually someone will come along to join the adventure. But until then, I am doing what I want when I want to. However, I do need to balance that with actually attending class...

I had the ability to untangle some knots this weekend. They didn't completely unravel, but they are on their way of becoming untied. Through that process, I learned a lot about bravery. I had to do something that I was terrified of doing. Before this event occurred, my brain kept telling me to run. That somehow, I could find a loophole and I could escape what was coming. I ran through all the options in my brain and all of the consequences made me reconsider my previous thoughts. This made me think about all the things I have ran from in the past. The things started stacking up and I made the decision to change that. I have told so many people, 'do not run from your problems.' Mayyybe I should follow my own advice.

the word change has been tagging along my side lately, biting at my heels. All I try to do is shrug it off and pretend like it isn't phasing me, but it needs to. My good friend told me "While change is hard for all concerned, it’s hardest for the ones who aren’t choosing the change and are put in a position of embracing someone else choice." Whew. How about that for some truth? So as difficult as it is, I'm going to try to embrace it slowly.

I have finally come up with a reason I have been taking so many 'thought-full' pictures, as Mei calls them. Usually I need structure in my life constantly, or else I get incredibly stressed out. But recently, it has been the complete opposite. The more structure I have, the more I feel tied down, attached to something not tangible and it is tearing me up. So even though I have found myself in more uncomfortable situations, the adventures to go along with them have kept my soul flying from one place to another, never stopping.

So the more these experiences help me grow up, I see more of how the next couple years of my life are going to go. I need stable roots in different places but I, myself, am never going to be a stable root. My life needs motion, it seeks adventures and I need to feel the wind in different cities and states and countries. Eventually I will settle down but I refuse to wait until then for my life to start. If anything, I'm behind on exploring.

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