I love being home.
I love seeing familiar faces around me and the smell of my house when I walk in after being gone for a long time. I love that my mom cooks for me and the barter system is hugs. My brother and I decided to go on a mini photo adventure out in a field behind our house. When you walk on top of a hill, you can see all of my town in front of you, lit up and showing you suburbia. Robbie and I laughed until our stomachs hurt about inside jokes and things we remembered about being kids.
I've been frustrated lately.
I have been feeling really let down by a couple of my main people lately. Driving the 3 hours home, I started to worry that it might be me letting them down instead. Whichever one it is, I don't want it to happen anymore. Re-evaluating roots is never a good feeling task, but a necessary one. When you re-evaluate, don't completely take those people out of your life, only if they are doing you more harm than good, but re-prioritize those branches and make sure you are one of the pieces of their core as well.
We are sending the grants off on March 1st. It is a terrifying feeling, to let all your hopes and dreams fall into someone else's arms. All I am hoping for is that they recognize how much hard work and dedication we have and will be putting into this project.
Being vulnerable is also a scary feeling. It is one that everyone feels but yet, everyone tries to hide it. Why? Because we don't want to be vulnerable. It's an endless circle of the fear and the feeling chasing each other. So I have been trying to deal with it. It has to be a conscious effort, to let myself feel vulnerable and stop wincing, waiting around for the consequences. It turns out, being vulnerable doesn't always result in getting hurt.
give yourself completely.