polaroids.

Ah friends. It is almost that time again.

The time of the year where I like driving with the windows down with silver cuff bracelets around my wrists and the wind tasting like happiness and adventures and wild things.

The time of the year where I play music in my vehicle very loudly that have instruments that sing to my heart like banjos and harmonicas.

It is also the time of the year that I feel positive. It might be the dramatic increase in vitamin B, but I feel like my life, no matter where it goes, it will be good. I was just thinking today:

question: what if the grant doesn't go through and 6 months of work doesn't cut it?

answer: it will be alright, the amount of networking and the entire process will help you in the future.

question: what if I am never "successful"?

answer: what the heck is successful anyways? and who is the judge of whether you are or are not? It is all you.

question: where is my life going?

answer: wherever the breeze decides to take me, wherever I choose to plant my roots.

I am starting on a photo project. It will be ongoing, and it will hopefully involve you. I would like to tell your story. Specifically:

what makes you come alive?

What encourages you to keep living day to day and do what you do?

What drives you?

The photo project is called "I will tell your story". What I am hoping is that people will volunteer for this, and I won't have to ask. I think everyone has a story that is worth telling, and I would like to be the one to tell it. Please be a part of it?

find peace.

p.s. I bought a polaroid camera and am in love with it.

short, but it will do.

it is finally spring here. I laid in bed today with my big windows cranked open. Light was shining through the blinds and I got the feeling like I was starting over. Spring is a fresh start and a new chapter of my life.

This will be short tonight.

But a sentence that I have been throwing around in my mind:

I will be here to tell your story.

expect pictures.

expect good things.

expect soul.

I am starting a new chapter of my life.

This chapter is called: Becca learns from her mistakes.

I already started it:

1. do not try to slackline in skinny jeans. they will tear, you will embarrass yourself.

2. math classes are the worst, and it is ok if you drop them.

3. failing a class does not equal life failure.

i'm exhausted, i will write more soon, but here is a sneak peak of whats to come:

1. more photos, better photos, and more words with them.

2. My possible new job this summer or soon after.

love,

b

what icicles can teach you

well, its been a blur of a couple days now. I have stopped deciphering my days between morning and night, but more so of moments. I can't really remember what happened when, I just know that it happened.

I sat with my sister and took pictures. My sister and I are close, but hardly ever talk. It makes me sad, because I wish I was more a part of her life. But I take these moments when I can. It was her idea to wear these dresses, they were opposite; night and day, just like the two of us. And despite all of our differences, we still completely understand each other.
I had a wonderful talk with a friend of mine, Virginia. We talked a lot about my uncle, about people and places and memories and things that made us cry. We talked through different computer screens, and our words flew on wires like birds to each other to let us know that we were understood. I owe her a big hug for things that I didn't think anyone agreed with but me.
I found a cave of icicles today when looking for inspiration. It made my heart beat faster when I found it, trying to figure out just what I was going to do with all of this creativity I was suddenly feeling. I tried taking pictures for an hour, but was getting frustrated trying to make the pictures look like what I was seeing in my mind.

So I stopped taking pictures.

I looked around, and decided that for right then I didn't want to live behind the lens. I sat and I watched water drip from icy white straws hanging from my porch. I would shut my eyes quick before a drop would hit my face and Veda would try to bite at it mid-air. I laughed and laughed, and I listened to what God wanted me to do with my life. In return I got, "be here".

This part is valuable to post because I think it has so much to do with today. After my uncle's accident, I was so panicked to remember every experience we had together, I forgot most of it. I don't usually share this, but I feel like this explains why I am so eager to capture everything around me. Throughout the years I have started to remember bits and parts of my memories with him, but it is still frustrating to know I am leaving things out. Forgetting things terrifies me; my memory is incredibly good but sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be living behind my camera, I should be living what I see through it. I believe that this is something that I need to strive to do better at.

Basically, "being here" has become one of my goals. I can take my camera with me, and I can take pictures, but I need to live what I'm seeing.

So, I am strongly encouraging you to help me with this, as I will need it. And I encourage you to live in right now.

love,

becca

clenched soul (by pablo neruda)

We have lost even this twilight.

No one saw us this evening hand in hand

while the blue night dropped on the world.

I have seen from my window

the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.

Sometimes a piece of sun

burned like a coin in my hand.

I remembered you with my soul clenched

in that sadness of mine that you know.

Where were you then?

Who else was there?

Saying what?

Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly

when I am sad and feel you are far away?

The book fell that always closed at twilight

and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.

Always, always you recede through the evenings

toward the twilight erasing statues.

Cairns and things.

Spring break has been really interesting so far. I can honestly say I have done a lot of not really anything. I had been debating on going up to Boulder yesterday and still couldn't decide by that morning. So, like half of my life decisions, I flipped a coin and ended up driving up mid-day yesterday. A friend and I went on a hike and talked about lots of things that needed to be talked about in our lives. We consulted, decided, laughed and hiked. After we did that, we packed up and went to the climbing gym. The session was quickly ended on a sad note, when she fell and dislocated her elbow. One trip to the hospital and some good doctors and we left the emergency room. I was with her 3 years ago when she dislocated the same elbow for the first time. We sat in the hospital 3 years ago and talked about how quickly she was going to be climbing again because she was so mentally strong. I know this time she will heal twice as fast.

This photograph above makes me think of a million miles.

A million miles is a lot. That being said, it reminds me how far I have come.

Even though right now I am feeling a little out of touch and left out of some circles of people, I am proud of what I have been doing in my life. Those people are an empty spot in my soul, and I'm waiting for them to come back. I'm not the same person I was a year ago, and I won't be that person again. I am far from where I started. I don't want to rewind, I wouldn't change anything. Those things have made me exactly what I am today (that sounds incredibly cliche..) But even wishing for people to be in my life again, I wouldn't do. I have learned to physically live without them. I know spiritually they are just a glance over my shoulder. There are some times that I feel like they "abandoned" me when really, thats not the case at all. If anything, those people who have passed on have brought me closer to the people around me. I'm not really abandoned at all. I have a huge community of friends and family and people around me that support and love what I do. I hope I am one of those people for you. It is hard for me to keep posting these personal things because really, they are straight out of my heart. There are no walls around the things that I'm writing down for anyone who comes across this page to see. That absolutely terrifies me. But yet, I put myself out there because I have faith in the world and that I can offer the people who read this advice, and visa versa. So thank you for listening. You do more than you know.

When A and I were on our hike, we came across this open space of about 30 cairns. When we walked up on this site, it almost moved me to tears. I couldn't help myself, and I took at least 50 pictures of the various towers.

Cairns hold a special place in my heart. To me, they are a mark of wanting to be remembered. Someone builds one to leave it for the next person to add to it. There is a community within each one; everyone wants to be remembered, everyone wants to leave a mark. So you leave your place, and someone adds to it. How cool is that?

the forecast is supposed to be rain and snow tomorrow. Just when I thought the grey season was over, it comes running back to throw a blanket over the sun and make the sky cry.

The grey outside makes me think of catching raindrops in a mason jar.

Of a window seat with a red cushion, where there is just enough room to curl up and read.

It reminds me of falling in love and going back to sleep in a warm bed.

And off topic, some things I've learned about myself in the past couple days:

1. I don't want climbing to define me as a person. I want it to be something I enjoy, something I love, and I don't want to push myself to do it if I'm not feeling excited about it.

2. Jazz music makes me tap my feet and want to fall in love and go dancing. all at once.

3. Pablo Neruda has quickly become my favorite poet of all times and I understand what he writes.

4. I like change when it is on my own terms; when it is on someone else's, I find it much harder to deal with.

5. Big, big, news here. I am going to Yosemite. It has been a battle between my mind and my heart to go back, since I haven't been there since my uncle's accident going on 4 years ago. It has been a huge, huge decision for me, to go back, as I swore I was never going to. I think it will be good for me, to do something that scares me so utterly much. Even writing it now, my hands are shaky. That place strikes a place in my heart that is so raw. I love Yosemite. I love the amount of immense power that I am surrounded by from standing next to tall rock walls and the peace that I get when I see a place that held so many good memories for myself and my family. And suddenly, that place that was so good, I associated with bad feelings and memories I didn't want to remember.

I could really go on about this forever, but in the end, I am deciding it would be in my best interest to go back and do some mental healing. I haven't decided yet, whether I want to drive with someone and take my dog, or if I want to fly. I'm sorry for the long post today, it was much needed venting time.

take it in strides.

love,

becca

watching water.

I went outside today and sat for 3 hours watching water droplets fall. That sounds boring when I write it down but it made me look at everything so much closer.

The edges of the wooden steps were green with moss, following the pattern of the rings in the wood. The brown leaves were damp and plants that looked like baby cattails had raindrops sitting on their whiskers. I sat in one spot and cleared away the leaves so that the green grass wasn't suffocated anymore.
I have been doing a lot of this, trying to pay attention to the little things. And in doing this, I have noticed that it helps me remember so much that I get caught up forgetting.
I have been really arguing back and forth about watermarking my photos that I put on Facebook. I have recently become aware that they are being saved to people's computers. If you respect me or my artwork...please, don't do that. I really don't want to start watermarking my pictures because I feel like it takes so much away from them. But I don't want people to be printing them off and not knowing where they are going either. My photos are little pieces of my heart and I would like to know where they end up or what they are being used for.
On a more positive note, I was looking through old photo albums last night that my parents had. I found the VERY first roll of film I have ever taken. A lot of the pictures are out of focus, blurry and just not good at all (after all, I mean...I was 6) but there are 2-3 good ones that I think I am going to edit and post. I also found a picture of myself with a camera around my neck. I was beaming when I found these; especially since I can remember taking them. Photo albums are some of my most favorite possessions, for reasons I will explain in a future post.

Spring makes me optimistic and thats how I'm feeling about the world right now.

spring

the other day I saw a heart break.

it was terrible.

I could honestly feel my heart feel for hers.

And so the only advice I can give for something that breaks your heart is that it will make you a better person, a stronger person; and in the end it will be alright.
I couldn't help but be outside today. It was the warmest weather I have felt in a really long time and it was relieving to be able to drive with the windows down. I put on some new shoes and a dress to match my soul and set out among leaves that have been hibernating under the winter layers for far too long.
I've been feeling a little on the defeated side lately. My stress level caught up to me and so did the fact that I skipped out on a flu shot. Right as I finished everything, the flu hit me hard and I was confined to my room for a couple days. It gave me some time to think about stuff and I finished an entire season of the Bachelor (terrible, I know.)
That show started me thinking about loneliness and love. I am really happy being myself right now and doing whatever my life demands but I've realized how much moving around has made me lonely. There are some moments where I am so happy with it just being Veda and I. It simplifies things, and the more time I spend with her, the more I'm convinced that she knows exactly what I'm thinking. But there are also some moments where I am utterly lonely and that feeling creates a whole inside my soul. But I've found that the moments where I find that I am most filled with that empty feeling, I can fill it up with creativity and some of my most favorite pictures are produced.
I think I am changing my life plan a little bit...the more I take pictures, the more I understand about the world. I am a moment collector. I know not everyone has the ability to travel, and so I hope that I am one of the few people that will be blessed enough to travel and bring back moments so people can feel my experience through them. I have been thinking about pursuing something more down the photo career, maybe photographing for non profit organizations? I'm not even sure such a thing exists. All I know is that I am going to do something that makes me happier and more alive than I can imagine.

I didn't realize that this photo was blue on top and green on the bottom until I put them together...it makes me think of green grass and blue skies

I am

I am feeling defeated today.

Due to stress (I think) my poor body is just not having it anymore. I feel weak and exhausted.

But I sent off the grant yesterday with my dreams attached. I cried when the "sent" button appeared. 6 months this has been part of my life and then it is off in someone else's hands. I am putting trust in my team's hard work and I have faith that even if we don't get this opportunity, we will have come out of the experience better and stronger than when we started. It is scary, but for once in 6 months, I can't do anything about it.

it is actually kind of relieving?

and the world spins madly on.

Out in the garden where we planted the seeds
There is a tree as old as me
Branches were sewn by the color of green
Ground had arose and passed it's knees

By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world
When the gusts came around to blow me down
I held on as tightly as you held onto me
I held on as tightly as you held onto me.

Veda is almost tall enough to get up onto my bed...but not quite.

something beautiful

we are both lucky...in that, we can see stars when it's daylight.

Every time I see this picture of the birds it makes me cry a little. Not in the 'I am sad sense', but in the, 'I am making it through today' sense. It is amazing to me, that we can wake up and start a new day. Time keeps going, people move on and people love again. But we are all making it through the day. Cry if you need, love stronger and be drained, but we will make it through the day. And we will wake up tomorrow and live again.

After seeing a friend's dance performance (Krina i love you and you did wonderful) I am obsessed with The Album Leaf. They make the kind of music that makes me feel something when I listen, and they can do it without words.

Music without words is kind of like photographs, it has to move you without using words.

I went to church this morning. The kind of community that gathers there is awesome. Today's sermon was on relationships and conflict within them. The best, best, best, thing I have heard in a long time:

Relationships aren't measured by the amount of conflict. They are measured by the way the conflict is dealt with.

The pastor was saying that if we don't have conflict in our relationships, we aren't moving. We aren't getting closer to one another. And if it is dealt with in a healthy way, conflict is a good thing. Be a peacemaker.

Time to fix things.

circles

"stories move in circles. They don't go in straight lines.

So it helps if you listen in circles...there are stories inside stories and stories between stories and finding your way through them is as easy and as hard as finding your way home. And part of the finding is the getting lost. And when you're lost, you start to look around and listen."

This quote is from one of my most favorite of favorites of books. It is called Everyday Sacred and it is about bowls and circles. At first, the book looked incredibly boring and I didn't see how reading about circles and bowls and round plates and empty things could possibly correlate to my life. And then the more I read, the more I found: lives are like empty bowls. You fill them up with things, with people, with good feelings and moments and love. We also try to fill them with things that take away from your bowl. This can be so many things...be aware of them.

My life is a story. I love listening to stories so much because I strongly believe that they make up people's lives. They are the wrinkles on the corners of their eyes, the bent edge on a paper book page and the lines on their palms of their hands. They are what make decisions tomorrow and the next day. They are the door that the person chooses.

And the realize, the more I get lost in the incredibleness of everything I'm finding in this world lately, the more I'm listening. Even broken things are incredible. Because finding emotions that powerful, like being broken or frustration or happiness, are really strong forces. And out of these sometimes comes the best creativity because they are that strong.

i knew what you were doing.

you were memorizing.

times are changing.

I actually feel like spring is coming. What a relief. I feel so much less isolated in this town, knowing that things are outside and surviving. We are all peaking out of our rabbit holes of houses, seeing if the winter is done yet. And it isn't. But it is winding up, and thats all that I can ask for. Snow makes me feel grumpy and separated. But today I walked out of the house and I heard birds and the wind didn't burn my face. It is a nice change.

Speaking of change. I'm dealing with a lot of it. Whew. It knocks the air out of me sometimes. And the frustrating part of all of it, is that I feel like I haven't had enough time to be upset, or happy or angry about it. So I have been sweeping my emotions under the rug to deal with them at a later date.

Driving back home this weekend I finally decided to deal with things. So I let everything run in my mind, until my eyes watered, making red tail lights and white head lights blurry lines. And I was listening to the kind of music that requires you to dig deep in your heart and find what you need. It was all kinds of necessary alone time. And can I mention that Veda is the best co-pilot? She shares animal crackers with me and tries to sit in my lap. Now if only I can teach her to drive...

(^this is from a long time ago, but it seemed to fit for today for some reason)

I took some pictures of some friends snowboarding yesterday. Everyone seemed to forget to inform me that if you step off the run, the snow is extremely deep and not packed down. So, looking for the "best shot" I wandered over to some trees: two steps in and the snow was up to my thighs, (keep in mind, I was wearing jeans and some snow-ish boots) It started to get really cold with now wet jeans and a rapidly disappearing sun, but I think I got some decent shots. Luckily, everyone was extremely patient with me. I didn't realize snow sports were so difficult to shoot, but I'm trying to expand my photo taking abilities...so if I decide to shoot them on a regular basis I might invest in some snow pants or proper shoes.

and on a side note: I updated my website www.beccaskinner.com so please go take a look!

If you would like to buy a print or book a shoot, drop me a message!