Saturday, March 20, 2010

what icicles can teach you

well, its been a blur of a couple days now. I have stopped deciphering my days between morning and night, but more so of moments. I can't really remember what happened when, I just know that it happened.
I sat with my sister and took pictures. My sister and I are close, but hardly ever talk. It makes me sad, because I wish I was more a part of her life. But I take these moments when I can. It was her idea to wear these dresses, they were opposite; night and day, just like the two of us. And despite all of our differences, we still completely understand each other.
I had a wonderful talk with a friend of mine, Virginia. We talked a lot about my uncle, about people and places and memories and things that made us cry. We talked through different computer screens, and our words flew on wires like birds to each other to let us know that we were understood. I owe her a big hug for things that I didn't think anyone agreed with but me.
I found a cave of icicles today when looking for inspiration. It made my heart beat faster when I found it, trying to figure out just what I was going to do with all of this creativity I was suddenly feeling. I tried taking pictures for an hour, but was getting frustrated trying to make the pictures look like what I was seeing in my mind.

So I stopped taking pictures.

I looked around, and decided that for right then I didn't want to live behind the lens. I sat and I watched water drip from icy white straws hanging from my porch. I would shut my eyes quick before a drop would hit my face and Veda would try to bite at it mid-air. I laughed and laughed, and I listened to what God wanted me to do with my life. In return I got, "be here".

This part is valuable to post because I think it has so much to do with today. After my uncle's accident, I was so panicked to remember every experience we had together, I forgot most of it. I don't usually share this, but I feel like this explains why I am so eager to capture everything around me. Throughout the years I have started to remember bits and parts of my memories with him, but it is still frustrating to know I am leaving things out. Forgetting things terrifies me; my memory is incredibly good but sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be living behind my camera, I should be living what I see through it. I believe that this is something that I need to strive to do better at.

Basically, "being here" has become one of my goals. I can take my camera with me, and I can take pictures, but I need to live what I'm seeing.

So, I am strongly encouraging you to help me with this, as I will need it. And I encourage you to live in right now.


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