Thursday, March 18, 2010

Cairns and things.

Spring break has been really interesting so far. I can honestly say I have done a lot of not really anything. I had been debating on going up to Boulder yesterday and still couldn't decide by that morning. So, like half of my life decisions, I flipped a coin and ended up driving up mid-day yesterday. A friend and I went on a hike and talked about lots of things that needed to be talked about in our lives. We consulted, decided, laughed and hiked. After we did that, we packed up and went to the climbing gym. The session was quickly ended on a sad note, when she fell and dislocated her elbow. One trip to the hospital and some good doctors and we left the emergency room. I was with her 3 years ago when she dislocated the same elbow for the first time. We sat in the hospital 3 years ago and talked about how quickly she was going to be climbing again because she was so mentally strong. I know this time she will heal twice as fast.

This photograph above makes me think of a million miles.

A million miles is a lot. That being said, it reminds me how far I have come.
Even though right now I am feeling a little out of touch and left out of some circles of people, I am proud of what I have been doing in my life. Those people are an empty spot in my soul, and I'm waiting for them to come back. I'm not the same person I was a year ago, and I won't be that person again. I am far from where I started. I don't want to rewind, I wouldn't change anything. Those things have made me exactly what I am today (that sounds incredibly cliche..) But even wishing for people to be in my life again, I wouldn't do. I have learned to physically live without them. I know spiritually they are just a glance over my shoulder. There are some times that I feel like they "abandoned" me when really, thats not the case at all. If anything, those people who have passed on have brought me closer to the people around me. I'm not really abandoned at all. I have a huge community of friends and family and people around me that support and love what I do. I hope I am one of those people for you. It is hard for me to keep posting these personal things because really, they are straight out of my heart. There are no walls around the things that I'm writing down for anyone who comes across this page to see. That absolutely terrifies me. But yet, I put myself out there because I have faith in the world and that I can offer the people who read this advice, and visa versa. So thank you for listening. You do more than you know.

When A and I were on our hike, we came across this open space of about 30 cairns. When we walked up on this site, it almost moved me to tears. I couldn't help myself, and I took at least 50 pictures of the various towers.

Cairns hold a special place in my heart. To me, they are a mark of wanting to be remembered. Someone builds one to leave it for the next person to add to it. There is a community within each one; everyone wants to be remembered, everyone wants to leave a mark. So you leave your place, and someone adds to it. How cool is that?

the forecast is supposed to be rain and snow tomorrow. Just when I thought the grey season was over, it comes running back to throw a blanket over the sun and make the sky cry.

The grey outside makes me think of catching raindrops in a mason jar.
Of a window seat with a red cushion, where there is just enough room to curl up and read.
It reminds me of falling in love and going back to sleep in a warm bed.

And off topic, some things I've learned about myself in the past couple days:

1. I don't want climbing to define me as a person. I want it to be something I enjoy, something I love, and I don't want to push myself to do it if I'm not feeling excited about it.
2. Jazz music makes me tap my feet and want to fall in love and go dancing. all at once.
3. Pablo Neruda has quickly become my favorite poet of all times and I understand what he writes.
4. I like change when it is on my own terms; when it is on someone else's, I find it much harder to deal with.
5. Big, big, news here. I am going to Yosemite. It has been a battle between my mind and my heart to go back, since I haven't been there since my uncle's accident going on 4 years ago. It has been a huge, huge decision for me, to go back, as I swore I was never going to. I think it will be good for me, to do something that scares me so utterly much. Even writing it now, my hands are shaky. That place strikes a place in my heart that is so raw. I love Yosemite. I love the amount of immense power that I am surrounded by from standing next to tall rock walls and the peace that I get when I see a place that held so many good memories for myself and my family. And suddenly, that place that was so good, I associated with bad feelings and memories I didn't want to remember.
I could really go on about this forever, but in the end, I am deciding it would be in my best interest to go back and do some mental healing. I haven't decided yet, whether I want to drive with someone and take my dog, or if I want to fly. I'm sorry for the long post today, it was much needed venting time.

take it in strides.

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