tangled

It hit me.

I've been looking for the wrong things. Finding empty words to fill up empty spaces, people who shouldn't be roots to fill up other's spots. It is something that I've done before, and will probably do again. Not because I want to, but because it happens and it's ok. As long as you fix it.

So starting today, I am appreciating being by myself. Being by myself doesn't make me uncomfortable or upset...it's just not what I would prefer. But right now my life is kind of demanding that I spend more time alone, so Veda and I are going to take that and run with it. It does make me excited though, as I know I am going to embark on some incredible adventures. Life always seems to throw those at me. Which has turned me into a better (but still not good) story teller.

Someone asked me a couple days ago why I shared so many personal feelings on my blog when I don't know who reads it. I told her, well, it's because I feel like I learn really well from other people's mistakes. I would rather share something personal and have someone benefit from it. Plus, I would be lying if I said I wasn't an emotional person. It's hard for me to write and not have it involve emotions. The same goes for photographs. If it doesn't have emotion in it, I feel like there's no point of the image. Photos are supposed to evoke something within your heart. If I don't do that, I haven't accomplished in capturing something.

Love, but love the right people. If you have a hole in your heart, fill it with something good, something positive. Above all else, keep searching. xoxo

-b

change

I decided I needed to do something to change the way I've been feeling.

So this morning, I skipped class. It's only the 3rd week, oh well. I slept in, did homework and felt 10x more productive.

I went to class, worked, and then took Veda over to a friends house for a play-date while we ate dinner. Pictures of dinner will be up tomorrow. Let me just paint this picture for you while you wait for photos: Salmon with brown sugar glaze, mashed potatoes with garlic, sour cream and butter, and salad with cranberries, pine nuts, red vinaigrette dressing and feta cheese.

oh yeah. this girl, one of my best friends, knows that this is my favorite.

So we sat.

we ate.

we laughed.

we laughed more.

and we ate again.

And I felt a lot better. Well, then of course I decided to go to the store to buy a tripod for my camera, as I have been meaning to do this for awhile. While at the grocery I bought things...like my weight in candy but it was exactly what I wanted. And among this candy I bought dark chocolate covered pomegranate seeds. brilliant. and as a side note, dollar stores are ridiculously awesome.

But now onto things important: roots

find your roots and plant them. My roots are the people I surround myself with. Pearl Jam has this song called "Just Breathe" (it's super good) but in it he says, "i'm a lucky man, to count on both hands, the ones I love." I always think of this when I think of my roots. These are the people that keep me grounded, that bring me back to earth when I start to float away. They are the people that say 'don't put it off until tomorrow, deal with it now.'

Sadly, recently I have had to re-evaluate roots in my life. I think it is healthy to do that every once in awhile. Take a look around you and think long and hard if those people you surround yourself with make you a better person. If they do, pull them closer, and make sure they are tied in knots around your base. If they don't, why are you keeping them around?

a mismatch of things I need to tell you.

The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.

- Hemmingway

My best friend once told me:

pursue life

pursue breathing and God.

Love will find you.

For some reason, my frustration has been growing over the past couple days. Still hitting brick walls. School is something that I thought that I would be able to keep under control. However, as I sat here tonight at my laptop trying to figure out what the hell a Euler Circulation is, Veda kept whining for me to throw the tennis ball for her. At first, I got angry and told her to cut it out. And then I realized, really, what is of better use of my time? Hanging out with my dog who I value more than anything...or spend time angry over school work that doesn't captivate me, that doesn't inspire me?

obviously, i chose Veda.

The more I think about it, the more I want to take a year off of school. Now, I don't think it is necessarily realistic because I don't know if I would ever go back...but. It's nice to dream.

The roots of my frustration can only be solved with a creative outlet.

tomorrow I am going to take more pictures.

It will be the only way I keep my brain in check this year.

Find something that captivates you and hold on to it.

I will finish school, but there will be a lot of times where I skip class to let my insides out.

with no strings attached

to not be tied down

and to let that sunshine keep me alive.

no strings attached

There have been moments where I want to fly away

to just lift off and leave with jets on my feet

Photos help me do that. I can temporarily fly away, I can float to a place where no one else can see the creativity spilling out the edges of my mind. Recently I have felt an overwhelming sense of flight. I don't really know what I'm running from, other than the fact that I am stressed out by multiple things that shouldn't be stressing me out so much. So I take breaks, take pictures, eat chocolate, drive, do things that can take me outside of my racing mind. I have been so frustrated lately I guess with being tied down. My soul is begging for things to make it free. With 18 credits and a huge project proposal for National Geographic, I have been constantly forcing myself to concentrate. So I feel like these pictures help me cut the strings and not be tied down.

hey, hold tight.

this picture makes me think of a couple things.

the past

time

fear

The past is over, time is now, don't let fear control you.

I have been thinking about my Uncle Todd a lot lately, if he would be proud of what I'm doing with my life, what climbing trips we would be planning if he were here, what story would he tell to make us all laugh. I found these lyrics and it creativity struck me immediately: Soon there will be images to these soulful words.

"I hear you call me, branches break in the wind

and through the leaves and concrete you're gonna grow into something that death can't steal

a garden that gives, sprouts come up glowing

fruits of jade and golden silver trees to mark the legacy

of a life that finally learned what this means

the invisible choir sings you a voiceless lesson

so you'll always remember what grew out of decisions that death can't steal

lives that learned to give when it seemed there was nothing

oh, how much more it meant to those around we go

there's a rhythm soft and slow

you'll always hear the choir if you listen close"

be sweet.

be careful what you ask for.

So I packed up my bags and my camera and my dog this weekend, ready to run to something different, something exciting and something that is not this town.

So as I'm driving to Fort Collins, I see a side highway towards the mountains and I decide to adventure. I drive about 30 miles onto this winding road, taking me past ra

nch houses and cattle guards. I find a place that makes my heart soar because it is beautiful and full of colors. I grab my camera, take off my winter, 800 fill down jacket, for the sake of making the picture look like it isn't 35 degrees out, and shut the car door.

30 minutes later, I am considering punching through the window

because I locked myself out of the car.

Not going to lie, I try to lightly punch the window with my fist, but only do it half-ass because I'm freaking out. Now stranded with only my camera and my puppy inside the car...I take a look at myself in the window. I am completely, and utterly out of control of the situation. My anxiousness level is bouncing off of the clouds and I try to cry and realize i can't even do that right now. Trying to think rationally of a solution (other than breaking my hand trying to get through the window). So the first car that drives by, I flag down and ask to use h

is cell phone. He says the only cell phone reception is 15 miles up the road. So, trying to not look terrified and vulnerable, I climb into this man's truck, knowing that it is incredibly dangerous, but my only choice. Creeps drive these roads, just now realizing how real this possibility can be. I call my parents who were not so thrilled, as they have been nagging me to make a spare set of keys for months now...

oops.

So for the next 5 hours, I sit in Gordon's house in a town in Colorado that I didn't know existed while my parents ran my spare "clicker" up to his son who lived in Boulder, who ran it up to us.

and here is the twisty part of the tale

I don't know how many people read this and know that I want to be an outdoor therapist. My whole entire job is going to be based on listening to people who I have never met. For these 5

hours, I learned a lot about this man. I believe 1 or 2 posts ago I said, no one is a stranger, it is your choice in labeling them so. I listened to parts of his life, not as a stranger, but as another human being, another person with a soul, another person that has been hurt in their life too, and someone that wanted to know these things about the person that rescued me. He definitely didn't have anything to gain by picking me up. He had the choice to just drive past, but, he didn't. I know I was meant to meet this guy, and I know I was meant to listen to him and be some part of his life. And if he hadn't showed up, I would have been...to put it lightly...screwed.

So be careful what you ask for, I asked for an adventure and got more than I had planned for. My uncle Todd used to always say:

"it's not an adventure until something goes wrong"

I think I just put that into practice.

So by the time I clicked my car open and gave my dog some much needed water, we were finally pulling into Fort Collins. The rest of the weekend was good. Not very much picture taking, but enough laughter to keep a grin on my face the entire time.

So here are semi decent, pictures from this weekend:

we were floating, we were walking on air.

to leave it behind as we walk on

running

two wings, two souls

So I don't know if it was me that locked myself out of my car, or if my dog stepped on the keys sitting on the front seat, but it happened that I somehow was not able to get in.

My advice for this post: listen as a soul, not a stranger.

usually.

Usually...

I don't post twice in one day. I try to spread my posts out to good measure so that they are fairly spaced.

But for right now, I want to talk about brick walls.

I have been hitting them. Not literally, because that would be dangerous. And quite frankly, that would be concerning. But mentally I have been full on crashing into them lately. It is really quite frustrating. As soon as I find something good, a wall shows up, only to tell me "no, you can't go that way today."

I know that they are probably showing up for good reasons, mostly because that's not how "____" is supposed to happen but I wish I would at least getting a warning sign before it happens.

Something like hey, don't do this because it's going to involve a lot of your heart, so its probably not a good idea.

Or something like hey, wait, don't take this class...because even though it sounds cool, the professor is going to kill you with work.

Or like hey becca, eating cheesecake for breakfast every morning is eventually going to effect the way you climb because there are a zillion calories in those babies.

but

For once, I would like something to happen in the right time (preferably the timing I want) and for the right reasons.

And I would like them to happen because they are supposed to and no one else is involved.

I apologize. Because odds are, this makes no sense to you. But I would like

to thank you for still listening and reading, regardless of if it makes sense

or not.

But I guess, I'm just frustrated that I start things to just be shut down (as of lately). I've been a lot more tense too, because for some reason I feel tied down, though I'm not, and contained in this town. I've been trying to go on lots of adventures and do things that allow me to breathe. All of these things do help, but only for a couple hours and then I wind up frustrated again.

So attempt 2 at fleeing this popsicle stand will be happening tomorrow. Different town, different people and hopefully a better setting to calm my mind down.

Moral of the story...I'm crossing my fingers for fewer brick walls in my direct path in the next couple weeks. It would be so appreciated.

frozen in time

Today I went on an adventure.

I found abandoned shoes, boots and skates.

I found empty couches that once held people next to each other.

I found shopping carts that were burnt orange with rust and age.

I found intricate art that had taken hours to conceive.

I found mattresses that had been a ship for people to sleep.

I found fridges that had been in someones house and ovens that used to be in the kitchen. Probably to cook Thanksgiving dinner.

But mostly, among all these items that had been abandoned,

left, forgotten about and trashed..

I found an immense amount of peace.

Just like your mom used to make.

This picture is quite possibly my favorite. It reminds me of mothers, people that are supposed to be comforting, a safe spot to run to. But here, this place where it was painted, isn't a safe spot, this is among a terrifying place that isn't comforting at all.

I guess I found peace because among all the lost-ness and the destruction, things were awfully beautiful.

Hope for tomorrow.

Hope for today.

if i had words

if I had words to describe things currently it would be nice. They are somethings along the strings of beautiful, wonderful, exciting. But those don't do the feelings justice. I'm digging for some deeper feeling, some deeper root to bring the words up to my lips. They are there, I just am having some difficulty locating them. So I'm afraid I really can't tell you how I am experiencing things right now.

So here I am, laying on the floor, with a pot of tea next to my pillow and a puppy sleeping on my feet because I don't know what else to do. I am left feeling helplessly desperate for some color to touch, to help me find what I'm looking for.

So I will start with things I know: my church is a community. It is somewhere I love to go every weekend because I see the same people every week. This past sermon talked about how no one is a stranger. I love that. No one has to be a stranger, it is your choice in labeling them so.
I can tell you that laughing fills up my soul. I can also tell you that I have been doing a lot of it lately. It is a beautiful whirlwind of comfort, of letting something go, of being in the moment. I can tell you that things have been different. Not uncomfortable, but the path is starting to take a turn in a direction that I wouldn't have chosen awhile ago. It doesn't scare me, it doesn't make me afraid, it is something I would've never thought of; it strikes up my curiosity about what God and the universe is planning. So I am taking it one step at a time, taking in whatever comes my way. I can tell you that I'm settling in. I am becoming more comfortable with my morals, with my thoughts and feelings towards someone or something. It is something to be proud of, being comfortable with yourself and I think it makes life so much more enjoyable when you know that you can trust that who you are is the real you. No fillers, no substitutes or falsities. Find the best in yourself, hold on to it. Make sure it is what you want the best to be.Lastly, I can tell you I am not alone. I have people on my side, wishing the best for me. The feeling of support is indescribable and I have the utmost gratitude and respect for those people who do believe in what I'm doing. So I try harder to support them.

So I guess I do have words, they just aren't the ones I want to say. Please, whatever you do, live life to the best ability you can. We make mistakes, we get hurt, we love uncontrollably. In the end, it will make you a better person, it will make you stronger and your life will be filled with incredible opportunities.

(p.s. these pictures are old, but they were they struck something in me that let me get some words out.)

love life and love it well,

-b.

something...about love and subjects like it.

I know there is something bigger, something better, some plan for my life.

I'm just trying to find it.

For your reading pleasure, this is what I'm currently listening to while I write:

I'm attached to certain things and certain people for certain reasons. Those reasons I think are usually good ones. After having a conversation about dilemmas in my life with a good friend, I

realized how attached I am to people and how easily that attachment comes. I've always thought of it as a good thing that I am able to make friends and keep them so easily. (it's genetic) I've never had a problem connecting and talking to people. But the attachments come just as easily. And while this may seem like a good thing, I think it is also dangerous for my heart, for my soul. I guess in other words, it was decided that I love too much.

is that possible?

I try so hard to love everyone a lot. But it didn't occur until recently me that loving has consequences. Some people don't love you back, some people don't appreciate your love, some people take your heart and break it. There are those people. And then some people love you back, some people know that it is worth more than words, and these are the people I try to hang on to.

I guess, in conclusion, I do love too much. I love regardless of who you are because frankly, I think everyone should be loved. and yes, I probably do love too much, but I would rather put my heart into it and hope for it in return. Because thats who I am and what I do. So I will deal with all the attachments and the possibility of getting hurt in the hopes that someone will love me back.

My plans this weekend changed, so I am taking the camera and running away to some place to adventure. wish me luck.

some things on my mind.

It's late and insomnia and taking care of friends has got me awake at this hour. It's alright though, because I have a lot on my mind and it gives me time to sort it out.

I'm taking a class called Developmental Psychopathology. It's about how children/youth develop anxiety, depression, behavioral problems, etc. Even though I just had the first lecture today, we covered why these things develop. In most cases, it's environmental. It makes me incredibly grateful for the way I was raised, the way my parents taught me to act, how they taught me to love and recognize the people around me and how they gave me a wonderful childhood. Because my parents made good choices, I feel like I will make good choices as well. So padres, thank you.

I once heard from a friend that she was grateful for all the people in her life. The good people, and the people who made her life more difficult. When I asked her why she was grateful for the people that she had bad experiences with, she said it was because they showed her who she didn't want to become. I have kept that memory in my head ever since I've heard her say it. Recently I've been thinking a lot about past relationships, about people who things didn't end well with and things along those lines. Although at the time I was incredibly mad, I realize how it has helped me develop as a person. From experience I know that I don't want to be those certain people, they have assisted me in deciding what and who I want to be.

My schedule this year is insanely hard. With 18 credits, 3 jobs and this National Geographic project, I feel like I hardly have time to breathe. But I am proud of myself for being able to juggle it all so far...even though its only been 4 days. But the odd class times that I have now, mean that I spend a lot of time at home. No one who I'm living with has remotely the same schedule as me. So that means I also have been spending a lot of time by myself. I'm not sure if I like it or not. It makes things lonely but it also is a good time to hang out with Veda and get things done.

Sorry I've jumped subjects so much, just some things that have been roaming in my head. Went on a photo adventure today and got my car stuck in a snow bank.

That was fun! (not)

Epicness created great memories, lots of Young Jeezy, scarves and laughing took place.

I will end on something very positive and something that excites me. I am (have been) getting wrinkles on the sides of my eyes from laughing. Why people don't want wrinkles beats me. I think they are some of the most beautiful signs of living.

things that can make you happy.

I took a drive today because I wanted to.

I turned up the music really really loud.

I sang at the top of my lungs. Like really. At the tippy top of my lungs.

Why? you may ask?

Because my soul was bursting. It was like one of those things that I was crying and laughing singing (obviously) really loudly because I was so happy. I don't really know why except for things in my life are going incredibly well right now.

So today's blog is about being happy, things that make me happy, things that should make you happy, etc.

getting lost. it sounds silly, but i love getting lost with good company. it's not fun to get lost by yourself and it's not fun to get lost with people you can't stand. But really, I suggest you get lost every once and awhile.

love. once you give yourself over to it, you have felt what it is like to be alive. And really, I strongly believe everyone should get their heart broken once in their lives either by something or someone. And even though it is an incredibly painstakingly hard thing to go through and you wish it would end, it teaches you more about life than you would ever imagine. And from what I can remember, I have never felt so alive in my life. To feel that amount of emotion is powerful. And like I said, even though it sucks, it will make you better.

having someone. I have heard it many times and I completely agree each time, cooking is so much more enjoyable when you have someone to cook for. Sleeping is so much better when you have someone next to you, and laughing is much better when you have someone to laugh with. I miss having someone around, but I am doing good things on my own as well. It will be the right time eventually.

capturing. The ability to capture a moment forever, how insanely cool is that? I in fact, as you probably know, love to catch these memories for people. Something about showing someone that memory, that they can forever hold in their pockets sends rockets flying out of my heart. It's like helping people remember. I find it interesting that one of my worst fears is forgetting. I think it's because I have such a good memory, that I don't know what I would do without it. It terrifies me that one day I might not be able to remember what an amazing life I have. But for now, I have it. And I have the ability to pause time for eternity for someone and myself. And that, is an incredible gift that i'm grateful for.

In conclusion, these are things that make me happy. these are things that make my world spin, that make it easy to get out of bed in the morning and smile and give me the ability to love so deeply. Thank you for being a part of my life.

good news brings cheesecake

today was a great day.

our team's pre application to go to Chile got accepted.

next step: full application.

step before that: eat cheesecake for dinner

3 months of hard work has payed off.

This is veda's 'mommmmmmmmm stoppp it' face.

le cheesecake. (can i tell you that me and a friend did a little magic and got it for $5?)

all grins.

I want to take a moment and remind you:

give yourself to love

firsts.

Today was the first day of school for the semester.

Today was the first day I had a car to drive myself to class.

Today was the first day I felt a huge amount of relief off of my chest because I have transportation.

Today was the first day I did something other than unpack/pack from/for a trip in 3 weeks.

Today I took a break from all the anxiousness from starting something new, put on knee high socks, made myself good food, played with the puppy and took some pictures.

My dad and mom gave me this necklace for christmas. it's a fossil. I feel like a huge part of my family is with me when I'm wearing it. Not because they gave it to me, but my parents love fossils. and I love my parents. Therefore Becca ♥s fossils.

pretend

knee high socks

i found this book while i was at home. my parents being geologists, I wasn't even surprised when this 3 ft tall book appeared in the living room. What they needed it for, I have no idea. But it was too funny not to document.

have you done something that was a first today?

Do you want to know my new years resolutions?

- keep hydrated (it sounds silly but it makes a huge difference.)

- climbing wise, not to use my short wingspan or height as an excuse (that was my resolution last year)

-be honest. be true. be happy.

I've been honest so far, told someone exactly how I felt.

I've been true to who I am and what I stand for.

I'm happy.

:)

colors

This whole city is black and white.

Tell me, what is your color?

today, mine is orange.

I recently came back from Hueco where the sky turned orange before it tucked me into bed.

I drove back to Colorado and upon seeing my puppy, my heart turned orange because it was filled with so much good and happy.

I am now back in Laramie surrounded by orange walls, staring at the color of my soul.

I'm sleepy, I'm happy for various reasons I will explain later, all I can tell you now is that I'm

orange.